Too much day dreaming

I sit at my table, with the lecture notes I’ve been meaning to finish by the end of this week. But as always, they look as foreign to me now as they did 7 days ago.

I’ve been reading the line “In the cervical and upper thoracic segments it becomes segmental clusters (Nephrotomes)” about 5 times now in the past 10 minutes, and rather than registering in some insignificant corner of my brain, it remains stuck on the page. Page 4 of Repro embryology for those of you in IMU, and please don’t go screaming in panic, I assure you this is the first set of notes I’ve even attempted to read. I arranged the embryology before the male reproduction lectures because it just made more sense that way. Anyways this isn’t about the impending EOS5 doom. For those not from IMU, this March I will start semester5 at the end of which, I will be sitting for my End of Semester Exam. If I pass, I get to graduate from Bukit Jalil and carry on clinical school in Seremban (big whee~) if I don’t, errr…another 6 months in bukit jalil or I look into my promising career of begging on the street for my supper.

Anyways like I said earlier, this isn’t about the coming exams, or the little butterflies doing their cha-cha routine in me tummy. I know the exams are coming, I know I am a little worried, I know it’s going to be a tiring semester, but I also know that the strength that got me through EOS3 will also get me through this, the strength only God can provide =)

This is about wanting more. Maybe it’s because I have too much time and spend it on silly movies or far fetched stories, but all around me I see and hear about people doing big, huge, things with their lives. People who are living in the extreme: extreme dangers, extreme adventures, extreme risks, extreme ups, extreme downs, extreme excitement, extreme disappointment, extreme passion, extreme devotion to a cause. To see all this and then come back to my little desk, I feel so safe, so small, so plain and almost too normal.

I know these are things only kids in spider man outfits are brave enough to wish for, and for me, a 20 year old it is naive to even waste time daydreaming like that. But the point here is not whether I’m thinking my age, the point here is that there is that longing, that heavy feeling inside me and I was just wondering if it was normal.

I sit here reading, and too often I turn to the window beside my table and stare. I stare at the towering trees in the park, I stare into the green for the longest time, wondering if this is what my life will always be like. I will graduate, I will go to work, like everybody else I will whine and complain about it, I will start a family, I will grow old, and when life finally slows down I will sit in my chair and again stare into the green, wondering if that was the life I was supposed to live.

Don’t you feel a little cheated? That your life could be summarized in 6 sentences? Haven’t you ever look at the picture of you life and said ‘something doesn’t feel right here, I need to wake up now’? Did it ever cross you that since you were only given ONE chance at live on this earth, that it should be something extraordinary?

If tomorrow they found a new gem, one with a color no human eyes have ever seen, one with a shine so unique they didn’t know what to call it, one cut in such a way no mathematical angle could explain, one gem that was the only one of its kind on earth. What do you thing they could do with that gem? Would they weigh it and put it in the local jewelers shop? Like any other gem would they compare transparencies to put a price on it the conventional way? Would they use the standards of other gems to compare and put a worth on this gem, the only gem of its kind? No. The simple fact that it was the only one, already made it special beyond any weighing or measuring or comparing. Because the fact is when you have something that is the only one of its kind in you hands, there is no use comparing, it is so different that nothing else will be able to match up.

So wouldn’t you feel cheated when You, the person born on that day, at that time, in that place, to that home, with those colored eyes, with that said number of hair on your head, with that one passion you carry in your heart, so specific and different, is expected to be ‘just like everybody’ else?

People say this is naive thinking, too superficial and prepubescent but i wonder if they've ever had that little small void inside at one point of their lives too.

I wish I had the courage to find my passion and pursue it.
But there will always be that nagging responsibility sitting on my shoulder, reminding about the things I’m ‘expected’ to do in this life, not that those things are bad, they are the right things to do for myself , for my loved ones and for the society I live in. But I just worry that by the time I finish doing the things my responsibility holds me to, I will no longer have time to do the things I want to.

Anyways, conclusion is:

One life. One individual. One of a kind life don’t ya think?

One of a kind ;p

Ponteng.

These are nice things that could happen to you:

You wake up at 6.30am and realise it's saturday morning, there is no school =)

You are late for a meeting and as you hit the busiest road in town, the road is clear =)

You read a lecture, and find out you have actually prepared for next week's lecture =)

But this is a nice thing that actually happened to me:

You prepare yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally (cos you will probably feel like the biggest noob on the planet) for a week long GP posting with the local clinic, and find out that the slot had to be given to another group of student, leaving you with a week of unplanned, unscheduled, untouched holiday waiting for you.

*star jump*

On the hindsight, of course i would still have to replace the GP posting later in Feb. But either way, I'm still enjoying the feeling of pontenging something i was supposed to be attending all week!

My little happy treat aside, last friday the 11th of Jan was Rachel's and Hwei Wan's birthday!

HAPPY BIRTHDAAAAAY!

To Rachel: Happy birthday sis! Seeing how much you love talking, may you never run out of things to say, and never loose that divine ability to turn my brain into fastfoward and mute mode. And may i as you wonderful older sister try my best and resist the temptation to shave your head bald while you're asleep =)))

bday girl in blue. observe tho the china girl holding the umbrella, i swear i dont know her =p

To Hwei Wan: Happy birthday Hwei Wan! May you never run out of patience when dealing with my kicking your chair in the lecture hall, and may you have alot alot of purple and white bajus cos you look so hawt! oh ya, and may you bring us your dear-darling-lovable-ever ready-never greedy-always pure in intentions- friends on that vincci spree with your birthday discount card =)))

Hehehehehe
I know i dont show it much (refer above to bday dedications), but yea i do love those ladies lar.
And i wish them all the happiness one can have =)

My last week punya sunday.

It’s funny and at the same time humbling how sometimes the right people will at the right time ask you the right question, and put you on the right track again. They may not always realize it, but to you they are the most pleasant and magical surprise around. =)

Anyways this post was written a week ago, but due to some complications (read: no longer able to steal Internet line from stranger neighbour), it will be posted up now.

After church last sunday the monkey youths decided to take full advantage of Eu Chung’s free movie tickets and head for the nearest theater aka Sunway da Pyramid (yang amat besar now).

Much confusion about what movie to watch, what time to watch it, who gets to seat where, how many drinks and popcorn to buy, who to throw popcorn at, who had the coldest pair of hands after exiting the theater, who got to use the toilet first (this actually resulted in a race to the loo), what to eat, where to eat, what time to go home, who goes home with whom, and what to do the next day.

*phew*

Conclusion was National Treasure2, KFC (not the one inside pyramid tho, the one by the road), 6pm, “THEY” are probably going Lagoon or The Curve tomorrow without me because I got to go uni to collect the *gulp* RENAL RESULTS *shudder*, and I think Ian won the race to the toilet, then again I’m not sure la I don’t peep!

Looking back, despite the fact that every single time I go out with these people it ends up to be the most confusing-messy-dizzying-uncoordinated trip ever, I am going to miss them. Especially next year when some will have to leave for studies and I get packed in a box and mailed to Seremban.

Still remember us as scrawny-geeky preteens when I first joined the Sunday school here, but look as us now, not so scrawny *ahem*- even geekier jie jie and kor kor already lor.

There is a famous saying “Give yourself 3 years in BSGC and your waistline will increase by at least by 1 size”. No lack of evidence there =P

*The pictures are i random order,and some of them are courtesy of Lesley's new baby; some super canggih sony ericson camera phone. You can probably tell from the total randomness of the shots, she has taken a liking to irritate people (or maybe just me) by taking weird pics! but still have to thank her lar..*

Things you can and cannot do:

You can choose not to love someone, but you cannot hate them

You can be lonely, but you cannot be afraid

You can take a picture, but you cannot relive the moment

You can feel the running water, but you cannot hold it in your hands

You can be sorry, but you cannot take the words back

You can love someone, but you cannot own them

You can act, but you cannot be the "other her".

Sh-sh-shopping!

We went to Midvalley yesterday and finally visited The Gardens.
Whole trip can be summarised in 3 lessons learnt.

1. It is no surprise that shopping complexes/hotels are competing with each other, its always been that way and always will be. But it seems that there is a new way of telling the other Big Brothers how posh your new Crib is: a complexed toilet. While strutting past the fancy shops in my guni sac pants, t-shirt, and fake rm15 asadi-crocs, i felt my tummy msn-nudging me real hard from the inside. Since the sisters where browsing through some expensive art stuff they would never buy, i excused myself to go find the little ladies room. The journey to find it was pretty lesson-worthy by itself but i will not elaborate for fear of making a fool of myself. Enough to say i found the place, i walked in, past the dizzying mirrors and straight to the Great White Throne *majestic music*. It was comfy inside, enough to make me sms the sisters (with me still on my throne) telling them how nice the toilet was and to pick me up when they were done. But alas, the tummy nudge didn't last till 5pm and since it was only1pm then, i got off, and FLUSHED the toilet like the good rakyat contoh i was. Then came the tricky bit... Because my kindergarten teacher told me to always wash my hands before and after using the potty, well i did la, or at least i tried. I walked confidently to the fancy sink because i tell myself i've been to my share of fancy. Then i see the fancy tap, the fancy thingamajig by its side, and the fancy soap dispenser. Easy peasy! I pull the fancy thingamajig, err... *pull again*... *and again*...hmm *again la*. Ok, i gather my thoughts. Oh ya! This is a fancy toilet right, i forgot they've got those fancy auto taps that you just wriggle your hands and they start the waterworks! Genius =). I wriggle my fingers, err... *wriggle again*... *and again*... hmm *again la*. By this time the lady next to me has washed her hands and walked out of the place already, another girl takes her place. Ok, summon the great brain again. Hmm that fancy soap dispenser looks pretty high tech, like some space gadget, its got a red bulb on it... Maybe... *press red bulb*... this is embarrassing they are looking at me, i know it is a soap dispenser but its got a button *press again*. Then i lean in close enough to see the little words "automatic soap dispenser" engraved. Ok let me get this straight, so, the soap is automatic, the thingamajig doenst move, and the tap still has no water. Finally had the common sense to ask the girl next to me for help. "There like this la" *tweak thingamajig to the side*, water gushes out. My jaw nearly dropped, all this while i thot it was some super high tech thing that i could not understand but it was just a normal tap handle???? That's the canniness of these people i tell you. They call it a fancy place, so you go into the toilet thinking its supposed to be a fancy toilet rite? Wrong. They purposely make the toilet so simple, that when you go inside with all your dreams of how a fancy toilet ought to be like only to find that it is so fancifully simple, it makes you think the place is ever fancier than before! Get my point? Nevermind, maybe i was just too dizzy from pressing so many buttons.
Anyways after i got the water running, must put soap to make my hands 99.97% bacteria free. I look at the space gadget/soap dispenser. Ok this time i know how to use it already, it is automatic mah so i just move my palm under it. *wave*...no soap... *wave wave*... hey why no soap?!?! tap the gadget from the back, then some metal piece fell. nevermind ignore.. *wave wave wave* *aiya wave at the next dispenser*... cheh the first one ran out la.
Run out of the toilet.

Wah i didnt expect my first lesson to be so long winded, i quite cheong hei.
Nevermind 2nd and 3rd lesson very short only.

2. Rachel wanted to buy a milk shake from Baskin Robins. Know what she said?
"Can i go but the Ice-cream juice please?" new jargon i must keep in mind.

3. Very easy lesson, one i've been learning and trying to remember my whole life. Borders is a dangerous place to be.

ps: oh ya, realised or not my spelling has improved so much the last few posts? Its because i am finally using the spell check on blogger. Cool leh, they even have the correct spelling for "thingamajig" i thought it was "thingmajig". Of course my "lar" "mah" "wei" "hmm" and "cheong hei" still turns yellow when i check them lar. And i always knew my spelling was bad, but this time it shocked me just HOW bad =p

Notes on travelling

Being the first traveler means always being the first to worry.

You worry about that slippery slope you once climbed.
You worry about the thorny bush that turned your feet raw.
You worry about the violent cold river you struggled in.
You worry about the tree’s dark shadows that haunted you even in your sleep.
You worry about the treacherous weather that seemed to plot against you.
You worry about the sharp crystal like rocks.
You worry about the stringy vines that almost strangled you in your confusion.
You worry about the large boulder you had to leave everything behind to climb over.

People look at you and with a smug face tell you to take it easy, with a pat on the bag tell you to let things be, with a wave of the hand tell you to take care of yourself.

But you worry, like you did when you first walked out, like you always will, as long as you are walking.

You worry that the tracks you left were too dark to follow.

Gift of words

I don't usually do christmas gift exhange. Simply because most of the gifts worth giving, well quite honestly i cant afford *turns dusty pockets inside out*=p

But this year i received the loveliest set of stickers from Ian Zing. I know at first mention, stickers may sound juvenile or kiddish, but these are really really lovely! They take certain beautiful and simple words and print them in old Victorian like styles, and the words are spelled in cursive or bold letters then beside them, the words are described like how a dictionary would describe a word. Some of the descriptions are exactly from the dictionary and are what we would normally automatically associate with the words but the rest are special ways of looking at the words that we may have felt before but just never given enough thought, and i like those versions much much more!

They are really simple words we use everyday, but it is because they are so simple that we forget to study their meanings.

I don't have a camera with me now, but let me share some of these beauties!

La.u.gh 1. to show or feel amusement or good humour
2. a sensation of happiness escaping from one's mouth

In.spire 1.to fill with courage or strength of purpose
2. motivation required to go beyond what you think you're capable of

mem.or.ies 1.that which is created as present becomes past
2. remember and smile

re.mem.ber 1. to bring to mind or think again
2. to cherish the moments of the past
3. what you do when something embarrassing happens to someone else

cher.ish 1. to hold dear
2. to keep deeply in mind
3. to treasure, adore, value and love

s.mile 1. you're never fully dressed without it

won.der 1. to be curious about;think about; wish to know
2. do wonderful things; achieve or produce extraordinary results
3. awe felt simply by observing our surroundings

ex.pe.ri.ence 1. wisdom gained by observing, doing or living through things
2. how you kindly refer to disastrous outings

dis.cov.er 1. to see or learn of for the first time; find out
2. to recognize or realize the best things in life

en.joy 1. to take pleasure or satisfaction in
2. desired reaction to every day, every minute, every breath

dre.am 1. a visionary creation of the imagination
2. something notable for its beauty, excellence or enjoyable quality
3. a wild fancy or hope, that lingers even after you've opened your eyes

beau.ti.ful 1. very pleasing to see or hear
2. delighting the senses or exciting intellectual or emotional admiration
3. aesthetically pleasing; even if it's refrigerator art

life 1. the time of being alive; existence of an individual
2. best when used to its full extent

Watched 3 movies today for our literature project that would be approximately 6hours of screen time plus 2hours preparing this post...

eyes.need.rest.blink.blink (X_x)