Monday, August 21, 2006

1 Liter of Tears

I missed the Orientation Officers first meeting today. Sigh....what kind of OO am i going to make lar, dates of the FIRST meeting oso can get mixed up. Im diappointed in myself *shame shame*
How are the young juniors going to look up to me, respect me and trust me with their lives now?? how?

Mayb i should just give up and go be a bloodsucking-evil loving-sinister Station Master.
(HAH! fat chance lar)

Anyways... to Geoff (group leader =P),Pei,Xan,Angie(hehe..although you also didnt attend the meeting) and old mustaqim (chief OO) my most sincere apologies. I got the days mixed up, i thot tuesday was the 21st. How doink can i get?! *hits self on the head*

I would call or message you guys to say sorry or explain myself properly, but i've been searching my entire house the whole morning. My handphone is missing!!! I cant find it!!!
It ran out of creadit bout a 2 weeks ago, then it ran out of battery, was too lazy to search for the also missing charger so i left it at home and havent been using it for quite sometime. Then this morning when i needed to contact you guys, it was gone! And now i dont have anyone's phone number! bohohoho....

*gasp!* and i just realised im flying of to sarawak on wednesday! that gives me less than 48hours to relocate my handphone, or else im going to fly to a foreign land UNARMED! the horror!

And i havent started packing for the trip yet *double gasp*
And i and eunice havent finished making the visual presentation *triple gasp*
And we also havent started on the title for our timeline yet *gasp gasp gasp gasp faint*
Mayb i am a little underprepared for this trip afterall.

Ok, enough about mixed up date meetings and horror trips. I want to tell you what i did last nite! (which would also partly explain why i missed the meeting)

In hopes of saving poor old Denise from dying of boredom, my darling cousin Xiao Yen took pity on me and borrowed me this japanese DVD
''1 Litter of Tears''
I guess from the tittle itself you can tell how happy and cheerfull the show was. At first i was a little skeptical too, cos most korean and japanese dramas have the same plot.
''boymeetsgirl-boyandgirlfight-boyrealisehecantlivewithoutcutegirl'snagging-girlthinkboynice-boyfallforgirl-girlfallforboy-girlgetseriousterminalillness-crycrycry-girl'sconditiongetsworst-butstilleverbeautifulinbedwithmakeupon-girldies-boyvowsnevertomarryagain.

But this movie.It was different.I tell you it was tear jerking from the start! The producers have to consideration for your feelings wan.It's really, too touching lar. i had to stop and rest halfway thru dics2 cos the heart just couldnt take it anymore.

It's basically a true story bout a 15 year old girl,at the prime of her life, being diagnosed with mutation of the spinal cord and cerebellum (i think). the illness causes the once active class president and basketball player to gradually loose control of her body movements. No cure to date.Slowly she losses ability to run,walk,hold things, talk, trouble expressing herself. Going back to school is so hard, she finally had to attend a 'special school' She is still ever the same on the inside, intellectual ability is not affected,the mind is still active. And i think that is the worst part of the disease. To actually know what is happening around and to yourself, but unable to find a way to express yourself. Still active as ever inside,but the total opposite on the outside. the simple task of moving a leg needs all the concentration a 15year old can muster.its literally being trap in your own body.

This 15 year old girl had to live with the disease as best as she could. Everything is seen in a different light,a different angle. Family,friends,nature,music,walks in the park,the chance to fall in love. All of these things take on a new meaning when you're pressed for time. So she had to compact her whole growing up life in the 10 years granted to her.

A quote:
''Although i've been hurt by heartless stares, i know in some there is a gentle stares''
(the english translation was a lil bad, but you get the idea)
I'm sure you can imagine with me, a pretty,smart, atheletic girl, suddenly unable to walk properly,unable to pronounce her words. People cant help but to feel pity and sad for her.

But maybe thats just the problem with our society. We see a crippled or blind or sick person, and we feel pity for them. It's not wrong to have pity for them, because in pitying them, we are trying to share in their sadness.
But what we should always remember when we see a sick person is, to not only look at the disability, but first and foremost to acknowledge a dignified human in that body. We say ''dont judge a book by its cover''. So isnt cancer,AIDS,down syndrome,blindness just different version of a 'cover'? Isnt it just a shell? Arent they just the same inside?wanting respect and self worth just like the rest of us?
I admit I've never been in their shoes and i cant possibly understand what they are going thru. But i remember how it felt as a child, when everyone told me, i was too young to do anything. And even as teenagers, we often harp about how we are treated like kids,not allowed to do things for ourselves. We dread feeling inferior,uncapable, dependent.

So why should we make less-abled people feel that dreaded way? None of us can live on this earth without help in one way or another from someone else. We are dependant creatures,all of us. So whats the big fuss if they sometimes need a lil more help than others? Give the help to them, but also treat them like everybody else. The girl in the movie, she liked it best when everyone continued doing their normal activities, including her in when possible. Because that was the home she grew up in, thats the way she wanted to remember it. She didnt want everyone changing just to accomodate her,because that would mean she was no longer part of the family, it would mean the family was trying to serve her. Just because they need a little help, it doesnt mean they cant contribute as much back into society. It doesnt mean they cant help others in need.It doesnt mean we cant learn as much from them as we do from our books.

We always teach our children to be considerate towards disabled people. Then why are we doing the opposite? Why do we shy away and suddenly find the floor tiles so interesting when we see them in public places? Are afraid to look at them in the eye and give a smile or a nod of 'hello'?Are we afraid that they might get offended if we recognised their disability? But wont they be even more offended if we ignored them and instead give pityinh smiles to their care givers?

Why, when wanting to ask about their condition we direct our questions to the caregivers/parents and not the patient himself?Are we saying they dont know enough about themselves and need a spokesperson in their behalf?

The fact that I'm studying to be a doctor.....well,
am i being too harsh?too inconsiderate in thinking these things? i dont know.
I know people with illnesses need help and understanding from us, but couldnt we give in a way that would not take away their dignity?

The next time i see a less-abled sister, i'm going to try to stop myself from feeling pity ar sad for her. I'm going to try to look beyong her shell, and i'm going to see a fellow human worthy or respect and admiration.

Easier said than done.

(opps...better go back looking for my handphone. Gah!)

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Voices.

I found myself today,
Ohh... I found myself and ran away,
But something pulled me back,
A voice of reason I forgot i had.
All I know is you're not here to say,
What you always used to say,
But it's written in the sky tonight.

So I wont give up,
No I wont breakdown,
They say, sooner than it seems life turns around.
Then I will be strong,
Even when it all goes wrong.
When I'm standing in the dark,
I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me.

I've seen that ray of light.
And it's shinning on my destiny,
Shining all the time.
And I dont want to be afraid,
to follow everywhere it's taking me.
All I know is yesterday is gone,
And right now,more than ever, i want to belong,
To this moment,
And to my dreams.

So I wont give up,
No I wont breakdown,
They say, sooner than it seems life turns around.
Then I will be strong,
Even when it all goes wrong.
When I'm standing in the dark,
I'll still believe,
Someone's watching over me.

It doesnt matter what people say,
And it doesnt matter how long it takes,
Believe in yourself
And you'll fly.

And it only matters how true you are.
Be true to yourself,
And follow your heart.


(*note*: A song I heard,but changed the lyrics a little to put to words the voices thats been lingering in my head these past days.hope the writter wont mind too much)

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Rachel, dont read this.

They call me Cheecks....
.............
......
..
......
............
..................

Chubby Cheecks.

Well, technicaly 'they' only refers to my sisters Lesley,
and Rachel (the 11 year old kid wonder who came up with the above mentioned name AND the name 'carrot top' for her dear older sister)

Yessss, as a brilliant comeback, im gonna cater this post just for
Ms.Rachel Tan Suyan.
I mean, I've got nicknames for her too you know! Like..like... 'Chel Chel' my mom and grandma have been calling her that since she could make noise (which was quite early in her life). HAH!!!
take that!

Ok,mayb enough with names already cos i cant remember any funnier more embarrasing ones to match err....err....''well-built cheecks''.
Things i remember, and really wana say about my youngest sister:

1. There was joy when she was born.
I got this call from my aunt in klang one morning see, and she told me the baby was finally here. mummy had given birth to my baby sister!i remember being a lil shock. cos everyone had been talking bout a baby for so long, but when it didnt come after i waited for so long,i...well... it kinda slipped my mind for the littlest while.i mean, 9months was a long time to wait. i was in standard1. i didnt know how these things worked yet.Anyways, after talking, my aunt asked to pass the phone to my dad. He was so distracted during and after the call, he didnt scold me for jumping all over the couch. i mean i was FREAKING LEAPING FROM ONE SEAT THE THE NEXT like a skinny frog on lily pads! and he didnt say a word, didnt even give me ''that'' look. i must tell you, one of the top rules in our apartment then, was 'no feet or dirty hands and bums on the creamy peach sofa'.
see?i told you. JOY.

2.She had potty trouble *snigger*
The word 'Constipation' was written all over her red, wrinkled, bald face. i remember her crying and inbetween sobs slipping in a few baby words we could not understand. it was funny at first, then we really started to feel bad for her. the poor girl was sweating and crying as she sat on her potty throne. was tempted many times to make a lil crown and robe to go with that throne of hers. so we tried everything: grandma sang, mum feed her prunes and make her drink honey (yes, WHILE she was trying to do her bussiness.rude, i know.), lesley fanned her, and i used her stuffed dolls to put together a circus of some sort.

3.She was cute.
By that i mean i liked seeing her and our cousin Sarah compete for my grandma's attention. So cute you know!Lil girls in diapers who can hardly walk yet can CAT FIGHT redy!! haha...Sarah is about a year older then her, and both were brought up by my grandma. Not serious cat fight with scratching and hissing lar. The ladies were too smart for that.They used cunning, and strategy. When they fought for a toy and my sister got it, Sarah would run to my grandma for a hug, when mini Rachel saw that, she would come over to the both of them, her diapers making their trademark *squish squashy* sound, nicely offer the toy to Sarah with a chubby smile....And when Sarah gets the tiniest bit distracted by the toy...WHAM! She slips right in between my grandmothers arms as fast as a baby fox. Giving Sarah that ''run along and go away'' look while she's happily in Amma's arms *MEOW!*.

4.She didnt play with Barbie dolls.
We still cant figure out why she didnt like barbie's.

5.She ate.
Anything.Her earliest and more favourite words were 1)mamma (my mother) 2) mum-mum (meaning not our mummy,but food!) she....
bit of chunks of butter from the fridge!drank soy sauce like milk!munch on her own hair locks!(of course she didnt EAT it lar, just got the flavour only) half a loaf of bread in ONE sitting! dipped her hands in curry! (but NOW, she's 11, she claims she cant take spicy..hmm) frog-leg porrigde my grandama made! (mayb thats why she still gives mean kicks.Amma ah, why lah you go promote violence by feeding her frog legs??) fitted her entire fist in her mouth,and presto knuckle-sandwich! almost eating Lesley's plactisine project (which was in the shape of a hamburger) ate sticky-lumpy-gooey baby food stuff for breakfast lunch and dinner! (yelchh)
Hmmm...but i must confess, the baby biscuits were tasty.Lesley and i helped ourselves on occasions when we were bored with our jacob's cream crackers.

6.She had nice fur.
Hehe.. of course i meant HAIR lar!Yeah, and i mean REALLY nice hair leh. her jet black hair was straight on top, till her neck, then it curled out so nicely like those little porcelain doll. seriously gorgeous! i loved the curls!!
But now i'm starting to wonder if her hair biting habit was what helped her gain such beautiful curls.Cos since she stopped that habit and grew up, she lost her curls.
hmmm... *lick lick* (cant reach lar,my hair too short *sob*)

7.She was incharge of asking our parents for things.
When we wanted to watch tv.When we wanted to go pasar malam.When we wanted to go for ice cream.When we wanted to go padang.When we wanted McDonalds.When we wanted to watch a movie.
We just had to convince her, that she WANTED it too. cruel to make use of lil girls i know, but she was the youngest, and the cuter one. i mean my dad wont believe me if i told him i wanted to watch a disney movie on tv now rite? (or maybe he would *shrug*)
And dont be deceived, as she grew older and more cunning, we had to do things in exchange for her services too. eat her vitamins, do her share of ironing, help her finish her milo, make the bananas and papayas magically disappear.

8.She has too many boyfriends.
I need a new broom to sweep them of our doorstep, the old one's worn out. and NoOoOoOo Im not jealous =P

9.She knows too much about computers.
''Aiyo, cheh, you dont know what is html ah?so uncools wan, so lames, so whatevers wan.'' (hehe..okok so i added the uncools,lames and whatevers.just watched 'I No Stupid Too' nice movie!)
and again, No, im not jealous.

10. Her older sister prays,hopes,begs, that she wont read this post. EVER.
But she is still gona post it up anyways cos she wants to remind herself years from now how Ms.Suyan had potty trouble! *sniggers*
I mean, not like her lil friends will ever find this blog,read bout her and tease her endlessly till she has a nervous breakdown rite?11 year olds just arent that smart rite?

*phew*

ahh..have to write another post for Lesley also, since she always say my table messy and make me clean my room. aint she just cruel? just you wait Ms.Lesley Tan Suwen. just you wait . =P

Saturday, August 05, 2006

I wana blog!!

I so wana blog! so many things i wana say... but i cant!

Dad took away the modem, so been out of touch with the world for sometime now.
And all i have is this little 10 minutes to send out emails (when i opened my inbox just now got 50 over msgs!! can die) and squeeze in one not even real post. sigh.
Why he had to take the modem away you ask?
GOOD question!!

Answer: My little smarty-pants 11 year old sister Rachel has been using the comp too much! To the point we suspect she's addicted. So we had to try to stop her before the symptoms got worse. I know its for the greater good but... STIL SO SAAAAAD!!!!
But she did help me conect the line when my dad was away in sri lanka lar...

BIG BIG SIGH... Lil sisters, you dont know to hate them or to love them.

10 minutes almost up, and i have to send Ian the car wash list somemore! ARGH! Life so susah without internet! bohohohoo

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Our baby.

At 4.00am thursday morning, we (eunice and i) welcomed our precious baby into the world.
It was a time of mixed emotions, we smiled,sighed,laughed,fret,stress,sweat and rejoiced.

Because, finally, after days of sleeping at 4am and getting up at 10am,
( i know technically if you count the hours im still getting 6hrs of sleep and that, you would say is enough for a girl my age. BUT its not! im on holiday! so i need at least 9hrs of sleep in order to perfom my bumming duties)

well,finally we did it!

We finished the "time-line" project we were doing for uncle Gim Lam. It will be one of the main exhibition for the 3rd Scripture Union Regional Conference this coming 23rd-27th august in Santubong, Sarawak.
(which, im happy to inform you, im GOING! Yurp,im going to Sarawak, im going to toughen up and live it rugged there, in the land of the ulu, where people like rooney and paul climb on trees and row sampans alongside buayas. And yes, i know what your greedy lil minds are thinking of, PRESENTS right? But i also know that, bringing myself back here safely is the best present you could ever ask for right? So i shall follow your wishes, go there, eat good SEAFOOD and come back healthy hearthy and happy. Im doing all this just for you guys ok? See? Such a good friend i am.)

Oh ya, bout the project. It's actually a time-line dictating important milestones in SU East Asia through out the years. Starting from the early 1900's till now 2006. So you can imagine,quite alot of milestones we had to make. In total the time line would span 8m!
Kinda big to bring yo sarawak rite? And we havent tried setting the WHOLE thing up before, just tried bits and pieces there. So ya, we're a lil (note: very lil) concerned lar, but just hope for the best when we get there lor.

So with great pride and care, we passed our baby to uncle Gim Lam at 10.30am the very same day to be taken care of till we're reunited in sarawak on the 23rd. You know when you're passing your baby to somebody else to take care, nobody ever seems good enough? I mean, Will he remember not to press the box cover too hard till it smashed the contents? Will he know the right places to pin the thumb tack on? Will he sing it to sleep everynite?
(not that we sing,but thats what i see most parents do for their babies)

Uncle Gim Lam is a good man, General Secretary for SU East Asia summore. I know all that but still.... sigh...
It's just my first night without my baby and im worried for it.

ps: Every parent wants to make a scrap book for their babies. But us being young excited and tired parents forgot to take pics of our baby. Will get some when i land in sarawak.

Goodnight baby.Wherever you are.