Too much day dreaming

I sit at my table, with the lecture notes I’ve been meaning to finish by the end of this week. But as always, they look as foreign to me now as they did 7 days ago.

I’ve been reading the line “In the cervical and upper thoracic segments it becomes segmental clusters (Nephrotomes)” about 5 times now in the past 10 minutes, and rather than registering in some insignificant corner of my brain, it remains stuck on the page. Page 4 of Repro embryology for those of you in IMU, and please don’t go screaming in panic, I assure you this is the first set of notes I’ve even attempted to read. I arranged the embryology before the male reproduction lectures because it just made more sense that way. Anyways this isn’t about the impending EOS5 doom. For those not from IMU, this March I will start semester5 at the end of which, I will be sitting for my End of Semester Exam. If I pass, I get to graduate from Bukit Jalil and carry on clinical school in Seremban (big whee~) if I don’t, errr…another 6 months in bukit jalil or I look into my promising career of begging on the street for my supper.

Anyways like I said earlier, this isn’t about the coming exams, or the little butterflies doing their cha-cha routine in me tummy. I know the exams are coming, I know I am a little worried, I know it’s going to be a tiring semester, but I also know that the strength that got me through EOS3 will also get me through this, the strength only God can provide =)

This is about wanting more. Maybe it’s because I have too much time and spend it on silly movies or far fetched stories, but all around me I see and hear about people doing big, huge, things with their lives. People who are living in the extreme: extreme dangers, extreme adventures, extreme risks, extreme ups, extreme downs, extreme excitement, extreme disappointment, extreme passion, extreme devotion to a cause. To see all this and then come back to my little desk, I feel so safe, so small, so plain and almost too normal.

I know these are things only kids in spider man outfits are brave enough to wish for, and for me, a 20 year old it is naive to even waste time daydreaming like that. But the point here is not whether I’m thinking my age, the point here is that there is that longing, that heavy feeling inside me and I was just wondering if it was normal.

I sit here reading, and too often I turn to the window beside my table and stare. I stare at the towering trees in the park, I stare into the green for the longest time, wondering if this is what my life will always be like. I will graduate, I will go to work, like everybody else I will whine and complain about it, I will start a family, I will grow old, and when life finally slows down I will sit in my chair and again stare into the green, wondering if that was the life I was supposed to live.

Don’t you feel a little cheated? That your life could be summarized in 6 sentences? Haven’t you ever look at the picture of you life and said ‘something doesn’t feel right here, I need to wake up now’? Did it ever cross you that since you were only given ONE chance at live on this earth, that it should be something extraordinary?

If tomorrow they found a new gem, one with a color no human eyes have ever seen, one with a shine so unique they didn’t know what to call it, one cut in such a way no mathematical angle could explain, one gem that was the only one of its kind on earth. What do you thing they could do with that gem? Would they weigh it and put it in the local jewelers shop? Like any other gem would they compare transparencies to put a price on it the conventional way? Would they use the standards of other gems to compare and put a worth on this gem, the only gem of its kind? No. The simple fact that it was the only one, already made it special beyond any weighing or measuring or comparing. Because the fact is when you have something that is the only one of its kind in you hands, there is no use comparing, it is so different that nothing else will be able to match up.

So wouldn’t you feel cheated when You, the person born on that day, at that time, in that place, to that home, with those colored eyes, with that said number of hair on your head, with that one passion you carry in your heart, so specific and different, is expected to be ‘just like everybody’ else?

People say this is naive thinking, too superficial and prepubescent but i wonder if they've ever had that little small void inside at one point of their lives too.

I wish I had the courage to find my passion and pursue it.
But there will always be that nagging responsibility sitting on my shoulder, reminding about the things I’m ‘expected’ to do in this life, not that those things are bad, they are the right things to do for myself , for my loved ones and for the society I live in. But I just worry that by the time I finish doing the things my responsibility holds me to, I will no longer have time to do the things I want to.

Anyways, conclusion is:

One life. One individual. One of a kind life don’t ya think?

One of a kind ;p