NINETEENTH birthday. Quick arithmetics and i come to the realization I've turned 23 not too long ago. Realization that 5 years have passed. Realization that the days i used to daydream about is happening right now. Realization that damn I'm really doing this aren't I? Realization. Wow.
"...you were so young then..." Of course there is always more room for more: growing up. But this had been a growth spurt for me.
I can remember the pure fear running from the tips of the hair on my head to my toes before the first assessment. Not even a semester exam, just a little "test" like an ant bite. Then as I learned and experienced more I remember preparations for the 1st semester exams, the 3rd, the 5th, the 7th and the 9th. Each vivid, different and each still baffling. I remember silent words whispered before each paper was turned or door opened, closed eyes as we ripped results slips, have really been through that much?
I remember so many things. But what I do not remember, is ever going through any of it alone. Whenever I try to tell people I did it with God's help, it sounds awkward, strange, cliche, "trying too hard", but in actual fact this is the truth is the truest form. I know myself, and I know what I can or cannot do, this is not something I could have done as me. Even now it is hard to put into words. Something each experiences for herself i guess.
And now as i pack for a final hurdle, I allow myself a little peek into the not so distant future. Where will I go? What will I do? And how will I choose to do it?
This has happened to me quite a few times:
After an amazing movie or book, your feet automatically gets up and walks towards reality but your head for some reason decides to linger a little in the after effects of the great story you just witnessed. It is in this limbo that you are allowed to dream without boundaries, without limitation, without commitment. No one can laugh or question you, not even your greatest critic: you.
Like that boy on the tricycle, I'm waiting for "I dunno...something AMAZING... I guess"
But out here in the real world of loans, distance, responsibility, weakness... something AMAZING usually comes with a price. And there is always the nagging doubt "Come on girl, can you handle something...AMAZING?"
I have options, I'm not complaining, how can I when I have been so blessed. I have been given the opportunity to do AMAZING things if I choose to, how many people can say that?
You know after a really good work out, you feel your muscles aching and burning and your legs feel wobbly? One of the best feelings ever. (Not that I experience it that often, I don't exercise as much as I should, or at all sometimes...gah.) Well I could choose to be comfortable and near the things that I love and have become familiar to me, or I could choose to come out of this bone tired, dry as well worn leather and say "Ok I did that".
Gah but no matter how many motivational speeches I give myself, the first leap is always the hardest, how am I to bring myself to jump of the edge.
"Something AMAZING....I guess"
My heart longs for you, my Saviour; I would follow You, my Lord. Your kindness and love are vast as the skies; Your faithfulness never dies. My God and my King, Your great Name I sing; My offering of praise I bring. Jesus, O Jesus, I give You my life; Jesus, O Jesus, I give You my life. My soul contemplates Your glory I worship in holy awe In quietness and in confident trust I rest in all that You are I'll sing to the world Your glory and grace Until I behold Your face
These day, some songs are harder than others to sing.
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