" I just can't believe he is dead....he looked so dead all these while."
"So... when he was alive everyone hated him and call him a paedophile?... now he's dead they all miss him?.... wow what a world we live in."
~Rachel Tan The Bimbo, Age: 14 years~
Friday, June 26, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
I love my room,
and that is the root of all my troubles!
I love my small tiny space because its just rightly snug and comfy. Everything is within my reach and I dont have to worry about weird creatures lurking around.
I love my Ikea lamp, a present from me sisters. Its gorgeous orange light just puts me at ease when I choose to retreat.
I love my black mounting board where I pin up delicate memories so they remain just as they are, preserved.
I love my yellow water jug with painted white flowers, cos it gives me incentive to drink more water.
I love my beige curtains with tiny red hearts cos it turns the room to a lil cottage.
I love my ever changing bedsheets, each one for a different mood.
I even love my tranparent wardrobe with no doors or walls cos my colourful clothes become an every changing painting.
I love my aircond, though it freezes my toes.
AND THAT is the root of all my problems!
I really really really really gotta finish my part of the research paper if I am to survive the week.
I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won
~Falling Slowly~
I love my small tiny space because its just rightly snug and comfy. Everything is within my reach and I dont have to worry about weird creatures lurking around.
I love my Ikea lamp, a present from me sisters. Its gorgeous orange light just puts me at ease when I choose to retreat.
I love my black mounting board where I pin up delicate memories so they remain just as they are, preserved.
I love my yellow water jug with painted white flowers, cos it gives me incentive to drink more water.
I love my beige curtains with tiny red hearts cos it turns the room to a lil cottage.
I love my ever changing bedsheets, each one for a different mood.
I even love my tranparent wardrobe with no doors or walls cos my colourful clothes become an every changing painting.
I love my aircond, though it freezes my toes.
AND THAT is the root of all my problems!
I really really really really gotta finish my part of the research paper if I am to survive the week.
I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won
~Falling Slowly~
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Lift your eyes
One thing that was very nicely summarized today:
"The church is not a museum for stain glassed saints,
it is a hospital for sinners who know the need for the Lord"
"The church is not a museum for stain glassed saints,
it is a hospital for sinners who know the need for the Lord"
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Mr.Tan
The time is 11pm.
And my dad is having his first:
"Cant-sleep-so-im-pacing-round-the-house-looking-for-things-to-do-cos-my-teenage-daughter-is-not-back-from-her-outing-with-her-friends-yet-but-im-too-cool-a-dad-to-be-a-party-popper-and- drag-her-skinny-arse-back-home"
In the past few hours he has:
1. Fixed tuna sandwiches
2. Sandpaper something he saw fit to be sandpapered in the front porch
3. Cut fruits
4. Tidy his storeroom
5. Fix something he saw fit to fix in the kitchen
6. Fail at watching TV because he fell asleep on the couch (gotta give him credit for trying tho)
Haha this is SO CUTE!
Oh, what a perfect time to say. "HAPPY FATHER's DAY" =p
**edit: Just got my a reply frm Ms.Rachel "soon 11.45 =p" wah liao wei, 14 year olds these days...terror man
And my dad is having his first:
"Cant-sleep-so-im-pacing-round-the-house-looking-for-things-to-do-cos-my-teenage-daughter-is-not-back-from-her-outing-with-her-friends-yet-but-im-too-cool-a-dad-to-be-a-party-popper-and- drag-her-skinny-arse-back-home"
In the past few hours he has:
1. Fixed tuna sandwiches
2. Sandpaper something he saw fit to be sandpapered in the front porch
3. Cut fruits
4. Tidy his storeroom
5. Fix something he saw fit to fix in the kitchen
6. Fail at watching TV because he fell asleep on the couch (gotta give him credit for trying tho)
Haha this is SO CUTE!
Oh, what a perfect time to say. "HAPPY FATHER's DAY" =p
**edit: Just got my a reply frm Ms.Rachel "soon 11.45 =p" wah liao wei, 14 year olds these days...terror man
Friday, June 19, 2009
Happy tank: Full
Since passing the good old Subang toll gates on wednesday, I have been on a DVD movie marathon!
Theme: Feel good, funny, colourful.
No serious, violent, horror stuff allowed.
"My name is Denise Tan, and I'm a sh shHHhh shHHHHHHhhHhha shopaholic"
Okay, maybe not a full blown shopaholic yet because I cant afford to yet $_$
but i'm begining to identify some early symptoms in me =/
Well it IS supposed to be a movie about fashion and shopping, so what did you expect?
Though most of the other clothes were abit too pink for me,
I love this coat, i love these gloves, i love these shoes.
The only coat i am ever gonna wear is a labcoat.
Talking about beautiful things, I finally got the courage to use my new wallet!
tak sampai hati to use it before this, cos... its so new! but gotta learn to enjoy life abit rite? =p
psssst: also got new hp!
pssssst: I am a very very very lucky girl!
What is wrong about watching HSM3? NOTHING I TELL YOU! PERFECTLY NORMAL.
Somehow i didnt find myself drolling over the main actor..
but i know someone who might have...
*cough* *jen**cough**cough**lye**cough*
I prefered Lucas Grabeel's character: Ryan Evans!
Haha so metrosexual but soooo entertaining!
"I want it all! The fortune and the fame and more!"
Ya I know they are supposed to be the bad guys, but...
"Paris! London! Rome! Toronto! La! Sydney! Buenos aires! Tokyo! Moscow! Bollywood! Hollywood! New york city! We want it all!"
*ahem* sounds abit Manic, but its catchy!
NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM TWO!Haha on a few occasions i was LTM
(short for : Laughing To Myself, we find lotsa these terms in the psychiatric files we read: TTH= talking to himself, STH= smiling to himself)
(short for : Laughing To Myself, we find lotsa these terms in the psychiatric files we read: TTH= talking to himself, STH= smiling to himself)
My favorites would have to be: THE BOBBING EISNTEINS!!!! sho cute!
Oh! andDarth Vader from Starwars and Oscar the Grouch from Sesame Street wanting to join the big bad guys were funny too!
Ben Stiller: "We can't all be Einsteins"Bobbing Eisnteins: "I am, he is, and him, me too!"
Kena reject...Owhh bother... =p
Ahhh... The satisfaction of time well wasted.
My happy tank it full!
Now all i need to complete this utter waste of precious time is to go shopping!
EOS in (X) weeks, yes it is down to single digits now, hold my hand =/
Monday, June 15, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Dear Diary (I)
I am not one of those people who were meant to write.
I mean I DO read and I CAN write, but I hardly believe it was ever programmed into me the ability or purpose to write and change the world one reader/stalker/blog junkie at a time.
But I realize that I am somewhat emotionally cacat (handicapped).
I don’t really know what I am feeling until I start writing it down: be it in a Microsoft Words document, or a mental list in my head.
It’s only when I take the time to do this little exercise that I realize the feelings, ideas, thoughts, longings and beliefs that have been suppressed by my conscious being since the last exercise was performed, and in my current situation; a very long time ago.
I’m just letting this flow as I go along.
Is that why girls like to keep Diaries by the way? From experience a diary can be one of the most disabling weapons. You can be held hostage by the very words you pen. You have the power to make yourself a hypocrite, a liar, or an actress. The stuff terrorists are made off.
Of late what seems to be the recurring theme in my head is the topic of “loneliness”.
I believe the term is not reserved for old spinsters (like myself) or socially handicapped people (with whom I feel I can also identify with) alone. Humans are lonely whether we receive showers of compliments, kisses, chocolates, or “hello how do you do’s”. We spend the first half of our lives seeking the approval of others, and the other half wondering why the feelings of accomplishment and smug satisfaction hadn’t kicked in yet. And by the time death pays his faithful visit, we would still be wondering.
I used to be SO uncomfortable with the notion of appearing in society unaccompanied: eating, or shopping or watching a movie alone. I dreaded the day when I would be so desperate that I had to watch a movie alone. In my head that only meant one thing: Lonely.
But of late I find myself doing more and more with numero uno (me). And I admit, it isn’t because I’m being more independent or any of that nonsense growing up excuse, it’s simply because situations changed, its normal for situations to change and I believe I embrace changes to the best of my ability. I didn’t see it a very big deal to drive to a shopping mall just because I felt like it, to treat myself to a nice dessert whenever I wanted to, to watch a movie even if nobody I know was around. It seemed the natural way to move on and cope for me.
Natural, until someone told me it was “sad”.
Natural, until someone told me I was “sad”.
Natural, until I let what someone says become what I should feel.
Of course what someone or what a few someones say did not change the way I led my life, but looking back I feel it was foolish of me to even respond to such negativism. The fact that even for the briefest moment, I would let such a thought run through my mind, was unlike me. The fact that I gave an outward response to it was toxic to my soul.
We are taught to look after the feelings of others, to not hurt anyone without reason, and give or take a little, most of us turn out to be pretty decent people. But what is not emphasized is the need to be kind to ourselves. We give continuously abuse and beat ourselves up when we:
Gape at the talents of other but,
Fail to show the gifts we are blessed with.
Believe that our happiness lies in the hands of another and,
Let others tell us how happy we can or cannot be.
Addressing someone’s comment:
If I am uncomfortable with being with myself, how can I expect someone else to be comfortable around me?
Loneliness is not failing to make others love us
Loneliness is when we cannot love ourselves
So who is lonely now, the spinster who buys herself flowers to make herself happy or the girl who waits upon someone else to buy her happiness for her.
I mean I DO read and I CAN write, but I hardly believe it was ever programmed into me the ability or purpose to write and change the world one reader/stalker/blog junkie at a time.
But I realize that I am somewhat emotionally cacat (handicapped).
I don’t really know what I am feeling until I start writing it down: be it in a Microsoft Words document, or a mental list in my head.
It’s only when I take the time to do this little exercise that I realize the feelings, ideas, thoughts, longings and beliefs that have been suppressed by my conscious being since the last exercise was performed, and in my current situation; a very long time ago.
I’m just letting this flow as I go along.
Is that why girls like to keep Diaries by the way? From experience a diary can be one of the most disabling weapons. You can be held hostage by the very words you pen. You have the power to make yourself a hypocrite, a liar, or an actress. The stuff terrorists are made off.
Of late what seems to be the recurring theme in my head is the topic of “loneliness”.
I believe the term is not reserved for old spinsters (like myself) or socially handicapped people (with whom I feel I can also identify with) alone. Humans are lonely whether we receive showers of compliments, kisses, chocolates, or “hello how do you do’s”. We spend the first half of our lives seeking the approval of others, and the other half wondering why the feelings of accomplishment and smug satisfaction hadn’t kicked in yet. And by the time death pays his faithful visit, we would still be wondering.
I used to be SO uncomfortable with the notion of appearing in society unaccompanied: eating, or shopping or watching a movie alone. I dreaded the day when I would be so desperate that I had to watch a movie alone. In my head that only meant one thing: Lonely.
But of late I find myself doing more and more with numero uno (me). And I admit, it isn’t because I’m being more independent or any of that nonsense growing up excuse, it’s simply because situations changed, its normal for situations to change and I believe I embrace changes to the best of my ability. I didn’t see it a very big deal to drive to a shopping mall just because I felt like it, to treat myself to a nice dessert whenever I wanted to, to watch a movie even if nobody I know was around. It seemed the natural way to move on and cope for me.
Natural, until someone told me it was “sad”.
Natural, until someone told me I was “sad”.
Natural, until I let what someone says become what I should feel.
Of course what someone or what a few someones say did not change the way I led my life, but looking back I feel it was foolish of me to even respond to such negativism. The fact that even for the briefest moment, I would let such a thought run through my mind, was unlike me. The fact that I gave an outward response to it was toxic to my soul.
We are taught to look after the feelings of others, to not hurt anyone without reason, and give or take a little, most of us turn out to be pretty decent people. But what is not emphasized is the need to be kind to ourselves. We give continuously abuse and beat ourselves up when we:
Gape at the talents of other but,
Fail to show the gifts we are blessed with.
Believe that our happiness lies in the hands of another and,
Let others tell us how happy we can or cannot be.
Addressing someone’s comment:
If I am uncomfortable with being with myself, how can I expect someone else to be comfortable around me?
Loneliness is not failing to make others love us
Loneliness is when we cannot love ourselves
So who is lonely now, the spinster who buys herself flowers to make herself happy or the girl who waits upon someone else to buy her happiness for her.
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Asking
"I thought we all were the children of God"
When all else feels more scripted and rehearsed than it is genuine,
I don't mind taking lessons from 'childish' cartoons.
"You are deformed." "I am deformed..."
"And you are ugly." "I am ugly..."
"And these are crimes for which the world shows little pity."
"All my life i wonder how it feels to pass a day, not above them, but part of them."
Why would anyone want to be part of us
Teach me to love.
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Labels
"Miss, look at my daugther what do you see thats wrong with her?"
Mind: " She is as sweet, innocent, special and important
as the other girl playing with their paper boats,
just in a body and state that we do not understand yet.
Nothing is wrong with her."
Mouth: Autism...
Monday, June 01, 2009
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