30% there and worrying.

The future suddenly seems so scary.

I've always been one to ignore things untill the very last minute, and only look at the problem when it is right in my face. Not really a trait I pride myself in. And this, I have been ignoring for a very long time: My future.

Sit down with any medical student and probably the first question you would want to ask them is:
"So, what do you plan of speciallizing in?"

Usually you the question would be adressed with a mouthfull of big-unpronouncable-titles and a satisfied grin. I just give a nervous smile and a "I'm not really decided at the moment."

Call me naive but when I first enrolled for this course, i painted a really simple picture for myself. It had me looking smart and tidy (maybe with some imagination, a little taller? haha), clicking my shoes as I stride down a brightly lit hospital corridoor, with a clipboard at hand. I am smiling, and despite the permanent eye bags I've earned for myself, I am confident. As I leaf through the list for the day, I am greeted by familiar colleagues I've grown to love and embrace as family, looking up from my clipbpoard I meet the eyes of those who got me through the endless nights on call. I walk into one of the wards and see 'them', many worried, some anxious, some tired and some hopefull. This is not my job I tell myself every morning when I find it hard to drag myself out of bed into the cold shower, "This is my mission".

Well that was what I thought 1.5 years ago anyways.

But then you realise it's not that simple, say I do graduate with an MBBS, would that be enough? Would I want to stop there? If I do find something I'm really passionate about pursuing in detail, would my options be open to me then?

My fear is finally finding something I might love, only to realize in the end that my options have been narrowed down for me, that I'm at a dead end.

People tell me that being a GP these days isnt enough anymore, that in the future, everyone will be holding a postgrad to their name. And it is not hard to see why. I mean, what good is there to know bits and pieces of everything but not understand anything in depth? Jack of all trades and master of none right?

Being an IMU seremban graduate, I am only allowed to specialise in 3 local universities. Note the number 3 is a very small number. (1st uni for the course of choice, 2nd uni for when i'm rejected for the first, and 3rd uni just in case I'm lucky). BUT if i am brave enough to attempt the much talked about USMLE step 1 and step2, my options might be broaden a little bit to the US shores. If i do get a place there for postgrad, for a good course, it would be great! And i think i will be able to more or less support myself with the minimum income they are willing to give as the course is sponsored by the govt. My parents will be able to breathe again! Well, that is the IDEAL situation la, the dilemma now is whether or not i am ready to juggle IMU curriculum AND the USMLE syllabus at the same time. Time is running and i will have to decide soon as everyone knows preparation for USMLE is anything but easy, even if i start today i will still be a little behind.

Plan1: USMLE step1 - before sem6
USMLE step2 - sem 10
*hopefully* gets some interviews in the US

Plan2: USMLE step1 - sem10
USMLE step 2 - after houseman
can wait to see is i get into a local uni, OR interviews in US

Plan3: Stop thinking too much and just concentrate on getting an MBBS FIRST.

But honestly i havent the faintest idea what i want to specialise in, IF i ever do specialise. There are so many probable outcomes from all of this, so much thinking and worrying and wondering and imagining I can do right now, but still in the end i could very well find myself in a totally different situation from whatever I've dreamt up for myself when i reach the other side.

I am only a second year student, metaphorically i can hardly even see the ladder from where i am standing.

Like i said, scary.