For the 17th of July 2006

Life was never meant to be straight foward was it?
We, not very wise nor bright humans were put on the earth. With the different emotions, feelings, personalities, and flaws, we are given life. A life we are entrusted with to LIVE.

But sooner or later we find out the ups and downs of life that our parents have been telling us about, they werent all just talk, they werent just bad things far away things that could never come near enough to harm us. They were very real mountains we had to climb for ourselves. Every last one of us. Some are brave enough to face these mountains head on. And when they do meet with failure, or when they loose something, they still somehow find enough love to still embrace life with open arms. Some of us, become scared after the first fall. And decide from that moment on that we would be carefull and never let our guard down again. And so, we start to focus on ways to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, taking all the necessary meassures. Slowly, bit by bit, forgetting the reason why we had to climb the mountain in the first place : TO LIVE.

And if we are like the second group of people, we will go through life safe. Always safe, but never really living. We would try to numb ourselves to hurtfull things we dont want to feel, but maybe without realising it, also affecting our ability to feel the good things as well. We would let things around us just pass us by, always feeling like an outsider looking in on somebody else living our lives. Never really digging in, getting our hands dirty, or experiencing it. We think we are fine the way we are on our side of the mountain, but we never dare to wonder if the other side might just be a lil better.And indeed we are fine, but we will never have the best.

And that scares me sometimes. I dont like the fact that i can detach myself so easily from things i dont want to feel or deal with. It just doesnt feel right. I am happy.
But i just realised. Maybe life isnt always about being happy and safe? Maybe it's about feeling the good AND the bad. The ups AND the downs. Being safe AND vulnerable.

I want to live a real life, (though i may not know what that truly means yet) i want to be able to confidently say i know who i am in this world, that at the end of the day, i know i used all the blessings given to me to lead a real, rich , meaningful life. That i was at the lowest with the lowest of them, and and the highest with the highest of them.
I'm definately not ready,but, I want to live life, with all it has for me, the nice and the not so nice.

hehe...sorry if this scared you. Dont worry im not in a midlife crisis or anything. Still too young and beautiful for that. So dont go making appointments with your doc for me, and i hate self-help books. The girl just has to think, thats all =p