Is toDAY the DAY?

It was the morning of my convocation:

I had forgot to tell my parents I was going to be convocated (??!? not a real word)

I was in pajamas, couldn't find the formal dress I planned to wear

I was pretty sure I wasn't going to get a bouquet because again parents were not prepared

I was late

BUT I WAS AS HAPPY AS HAPPY CAN BE!!!!!

This sense of completion. A 6+5+2+5 = 18year long task.

"I did it?.....wow"

Nothing could spoil my day man, not people, not dresses, not flowers.

I. w.a.s. g.r.a.d.u.a.t.i.n.g!!! ......wow

Alas as I got into the car, a part of me already knew this was just a dream and I was going to wake up soon. And just as predicted I woke to the sound of the alarm...

Good morning 6.30am..Good morning paperwork.. Good morning another day as a student..

But a good morning nonetheless because I'm on my way there =)

Eeeeeeeeeek this is exciting! I really really want to make it!

Will have to remember to give the parents earlier notification before the real one though =p

Today:

I'm going to enjoy, embrace, cherish, hold on to, and savour what I was blessed with...

Just because I can =)

The Parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector

⁹To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parable:

¹⁰"Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. ¹¹The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. ¹²I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.'

¹³"But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, 'God, have mercy on me, a sinner.'

¹⁴"I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."

I am unworthy, but in that unworthiness You loved me most?

How will I understand such depths of love.

Be Thou my dignity, Thou my delight.

Thou my soul's shelter, Thou my high tower.

Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

~Irish hymn

Stepping out of stupidity

I was wrong.

I was wrong about everything I thought this world to be and its people in it.

I was wrong to overvalue that which is obviously no worth to others.

Why cradle shards of waste in your palm only to have them flung to the ground?

I was so so wrong and for that I only have myself to blame.

What are we doing?

If only to claw and spit to get to the top... If only to look out for one... If only to turn each against the other... If only to hoard the goods...

What are we doing?

Is a nights rest enough to put our souls at rest?

It seems so. With each day we trade our humanity for an extra hour of sleep or comfort or that extra sense of superiority.

I don't know what I am doing, or why I am so flawed.

Lord if You couldn't make me perfect, why couldn't You just make me blind?

The new, unrepeated, unprecedented, adventure of a human life..

Help me not waste it.

How do you

eat your pie and have it too...

be in two places at once...

witness the sunrise as it sets...

How do you?

Soul torn; in need of magic tape

My first painting

We had cleared most of the things save the pictures and memorabilia blue tacked on the wall when he picked up a painting of a single panda, wrapped in clear plastic to preserve the delicate paper. The words ".... on your 19th birthday..." were scribbled on the back.

NINETEENTH birthday. Quick arithmetics and i come to the realization I've turned 23 not too long ago. Realization that 5 years have passed. Realization that the days i used to daydream about is happening right now. Realization that damn I'm really doing this aren't I? Realization. Wow.

"...you were so young then..." Of course there is always more room for more: growing up. But this had been a growth spurt for me.

I can remember the pure fear running from the tips of the hair on my head to my toes before the first assessment. Not even a semester exam, just a little "test" like an ant bite. Then as I learned and experienced more I remember preparations for the 1st semester exams, the 3rd, the 5th, the 7th and the 9th. Each vivid, different and each still baffling. I remember silent words whispered before each paper was turned or door opened, closed eyes as we ripped results slips, have really been through that much?

I remember so many things. But what I do not remember, is ever going through any of it alone. Whenever I try to tell people I did it with God's help, it sounds awkward, strange, cliche, "trying too hard", but in actual fact this is the truth is the truest form. I know myself, and I know what I can or cannot do, this is not something I could have done as me. Even now it is hard to put into words. Something each experiences for herself i guess.

And now as i pack for a final hurdle, I allow myself a little peek into the not so distant future. Where will I go? What will I do? And how will I choose to do it?

This has happened to me quite a few times:

After an amazing movie or book, your feet automatically gets up and walks towards reality but your head for some reason decides to linger a little in the after effects of the great story you just witnessed. It is in this limbo that you are allowed to dream without boundaries, without limitation, without commitment. No one can laugh or question you, not even your greatest critic: you.

Like that boy on the tricycle, I'm waiting for "I dunno...something AMAZING... I guess"

But out here in the real world of loans, distance, responsibility, weakness... something AMAZING usually comes with a price. And there is always the nagging doubt "Come on girl, can you handle something...AMAZING?"

I have options, I'm not complaining, how can I when I have been so blessed. I have been given the opportunity to do AMAZING things if I choose to, how many people can say that?

You know after a really good work out, you feel your muscles aching and burning and your legs feel wobbly? One of the best feelings ever. (Not that I experience it that often, I don't exercise as much as I should, or at all sometimes...gah.) Well I could choose to be comfortable and near the things that I love and have become familiar to me, or I could choose to come out of this bone tired, dry as well worn leather and say "Ok I did that".

Gah but no matter how many motivational speeches I give myself, the first leap is always the hardest, how am I to bring myself to jump of the edge.

"Something AMAZING....I guess"

My heart longs for you, my Saviour; I would follow You, my Lord. Your kindness and love are vast as the skies; Your faithfulness never dies. My God and my King, Your great Name I sing; My offering of praise I bring.  Jesus, O Jesus, I give You my life; Jesus, O Jesus, I give You my life.  My soul contemplates Your glory I worship in holy awe  In quietness and in confident trust I rest in all that You are I'll sing to the world  Your glory and grace Until I behold Your face 

These day, some songs are harder than others to sing.