How do you

eat your pie and have it too...

be in two places at once...

witness the sunrise as it sets...

How do you?

Soul torn; in need of magic tape

My first painting

We had cleared most of the things save the pictures and memorabilia blue tacked on the wall when he picked up a painting of a single panda, wrapped in clear plastic to preserve the delicate paper. The words ".... on your 19th birthday..." were scribbled on the back.

NINETEENTH birthday. Quick arithmetics and i come to the realization I've turned 23 not too long ago. Realization that 5 years have passed. Realization that the days i used to daydream about is happening right now. Realization that damn I'm really doing this aren't I? Realization. Wow.

"...you were so young then..." Of course there is always more room for more: growing up. But this had been a growth spurt for me.

I can remember the pure fear running from the tips of the hair on my head to my toes before the first assessment. Not even a semester exam, just a little "test" like an ant bite. Then as I learned and experienced more I remember preparations for the 1st semester exams, the 3rd, the 5th, the 7th and the 9th. Each vivid, different and each still baffling. I remember silent words whispered before each paper was turned or door opened, closed eyes as we ripped results slips, have really been through that much?

I remember so many things. But what I do not remember, is ever going through any of it alone. Whenever I try to tell people I did it with God's help, it sounds awkward, strange, cliche, "trying too hard", but in actual fact this is the truth is the truest form. I know myself, and I know what I can or cannot do, this is not something I could have done as me. Even now it is hard to put into words. Something each experiences for herself i guess.

And now as i pack for a final hurdle, I allow myself a little peek into the not so distant future. Where will I go? What will I do? And how will I choose to do it?

This has happened to me quite a few times:

After an amazing movie or book, your feet automatically gets up and walks towards reality but your head for some reason decides to linger a little in the after effects of the great story you just witnessed. It is in this limbo that you are allowed to dream without boundaries, without limitation, without commitment. No one can laugh or question you, not even your greatest critic: you.

Like that boy on the tricycle, I'm waiting for "I dunno...something AMAZING... I guess"

But out here in the real world of loans, distance, responsibility, weakness... something AMAZING usually comes with a price. And there is always the nagging doubt "Come on girl, can you handle something...AMAZING?"

I have options, I'm not complaining, how can I when I have been so blessed. I have been given the opportunity to do AMAZING things if I choose to, how many people can say that?

You know after a really good work out, you feel your muscles aching and burning and your legs feel wobbly? One of the best feelings ever. (Not that I experience it that often, I don't exercise as much as I should, or at all sometimes...gah.) Well I could choose to be comfortable and near the things that I love and have become familiar to me, or I could choose to come out of this bone tired, dry as well worn leather and say "Ok I did that".

Gah but no matter how many motivational speeches I give myself, the first leap is always the hardest, how am I to bring myself to jump of the edge.

"Something AMAZING....I guess"

My heart longs for you, my Saviour; I would follow You, my Lord. Your kindness and love are vast as the skies; Your faithfulness never dies. My God and my King, Your great Name I sing; My offering of praise I bring.  Jesus, O Jesus, I give You my life; Jesus, O Jesus, I give You my life.  My soul contemplates Your glory I worship in holy awe  In quietness and in confident trust I rest in all that You are I'll sing to the world  Your glory and grace Until I behold Your face 

These day, some songs are harder than others to sing.

Whistle with me!

I like my comfort sounds:

1. The little tune they play right at the beginning of a disney movie as tinkerbell encircles the castle with fairy dust!

2. Sound of sizzling bacon and eggs for a big Saturday breakfast =p

3. At the random-est moment, the chuckle of someone you love.

4. Sister's "I've got another favorite song to show you laaaa", that you gonna hate at first then love later.

5. The sound of paper ripping as you savagely attack a surprise envelope with your name written on it. (Angie! I dont know if you still read this but I got your bday card I loOOooOOoooooove it! Every year without fail you add a little splash of random color into my life!)

All telling you that life goes on everything is gonna be A-ok! *whistles* *Woooots!*

Trainee Wheels

So many things seem uncertain when you are a student tip toeing to peek into the working world. At times you want to leap forward and get to the task at hand. Other times you prefer to draw the curtains shut and enjoy a few more moments in your toasty comfort zone where friends are friendly, lunch time mean lunch time, weekends mean rest, worries end at 5pm, self declared celebrations happen every 4 weeks and you have excuse to watch animated movies with a student's discount card.

But that is how it has always been: from the potty to toilet bowl, trainee wheels to 2 wheeled bikes, primary school to secondary school, flats to heels, you always feel the cookie in your hand is the best until you finish it and discover your next favorite cookie.

Cheesy as it may sound, I have been so blessed in ways i can never deserve.

Final (hopefully) year as a medical student: I want to look back in less than a year from now and know i finished it well.

Final (hopefully) year as parent dependent parasite: I want to look forward to less than a year from now and know I will be able to take care of us.

** Oh where oh where are my nerd pants, i need them so right now...Not feeling the heat from EOS yet ler...bad bad bad...**

Sisters

Sometimes they seem to strive to ruin whatever is left from your almost non existent social life

=p

But most times they just remind you to exist in your own life

=)

"Just because everything's changing

Doesn't mean its never been this way before...

All you can do is know who your friends are

And head of into the war...

Pick a star on the dark horizon

And follow the light...

You'll come back when it's over

No need to say goodbye..."

Aiyak be warned..some 18SX pics in this video but it was the best i could find, Rachel Tan close your eyes just listen enough dy!

2nd looks

You never knew you cared, till you lost
You never knew you loved, till you hated
You never knew what you needed, till you were given what you wanted.

You never knew what a Future was, till you stared Past in the face.

I can't concentrate either.

Haha the days find me blogging only when I'm confused.
Thus giving the impression that im a sad, grumpy, sour old girl...
Sheeesh but I'm not =p

On a brighter less solemn note:
The hols begin in approximately 5 days!
Have decided to do something useful with myself this time around =)

Who will protect you?

One of the more moving sights:
To see a mother; crying as she punishes her child.

What whirlwind of thoughts and emotions, hopes and fears brews in furrows of a mother when she realises she cant change the way the world spins; not even for her baby.