Out Of My Pockets

For future rolling

2012-01-21T02:02:00.001+08:00

*dodge* *roll* *dodge* *wheeeee*

Lenka- Roll With The Punches

The beginning of the rest of your life...

2011-11-16T00:37:00.006+08:00

MBBS (2011)

Camerons. Penang. Taman Negara. Singapore. Vietnam. Hanoi. Ha Long Bay.

Cat Ba Island. NinhBinh. Hue. Hoi An. Nha Thrang Beach. Dalat.

Ho Chi Minh/Saigon. Cambodia.Phnom Penh. Siam Reap.

Angkor Wat. Laos. Vientiane.Vang Vieng.

Luang Prabang. Thailand. Bangkok.

Kuching. Singapore again.

Nepal. Kathmandu.

Annapurna.

Pokhara.

Ipoh.

Yeah...I think I'm about ready now.

To be fully alive, fully human, and out of the nest!

1, 2..

2011-08-28T01:48:00.003+08:00

Like all worth while things in life;

it was the quality,

never the quantity,

which mattered in the end.

1, 2,

Buckle my shoe;

3, 4,

Knock the door;

5, 6,

Pick up sticks;

7, 8,

Lay them straight;

9, 10,

A big fat hen.

Wisdom @ 1.43am

2011-08-23T01:43:00.002+08:00

"Instead of living to 90 years, I'd like to go out with a bang at 60 or something"

"But what if you still have stuff you want to do at 60?"

"Well... There will always be something to do. It's just the matter of making sure the most important ones are done. Like telling my wife I love her when I cuddle her to sleep at night. That's a long term goal."

~Jems Are Not Old Coots

Cat Ba Island

2011-08-17T22:58:00.007+08:00

"Majestic and mysterious, inspiring and imperious: words alone cannot do justice to the natural wonder that is Halong Bay. Imagine 3000 or more incredible islands rising from the emerald waters of the Gulf of Tonkin and you have a vision of breathtaking beauty. Halong Bay is pure art, a priceless collection of unfinished sculptures hewn from the hand of nature."

So reads the first paragraph of Lonely Planet on the topic of the Halong Bay and will serve as my introduction to this world heritage as I can't seem to find words rich enough to describe the beauty which lay there. As we traded in our Lonely Planet Vietnam for a Thailand version in Bangkok, I now rely on online reference; but while waiting for our junk (coolness) at the dock I read a portion about the legend of the Halong Bay which read a little like this:

"Halong Bay is the stuff of myths and naturally the Vietnamese have concocted one.Halong translates as ‘where the dragon descends into the sea’. Legend has it that the islands of Halong Bay were created by a great dragon that lived in the mountains. As it charged towards the coast, its flailing tail gouged out valleys and crevasses. When it finally plunged into the sea, the area filled with water, leaving only the pinnacles visible."

HOW COULD I NOT BE PEEING EXCITEMENT AFTER READING SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!? =p DRAGON!!!!!!

We boarded a junk (coolness) headed for Cat Ba Island; one of the largest of the 3000 islands in the Halong Bay and supposedly still quite untouched by tourism. Although we did not opt to sleep on board the junk (coolness) most of the other passengers did, the trip itself was a feast for the eyes, sharp cliffs with tufts of green, emerald waters, eagles, floating villages, floating village dogs (coolness). There was even a chance to get down from the junk and paddle a tiny rickety canoe through a cave where a JAMES BOND scene was once filmed. The Halong Bay is also famous for its many caves which would in itself take a whole trip to explore one by one, we were brought to rough translation: "The Cave of Heaven and Hell". Sounded pretty cheesy to me at first, for what cave could possibly mimic heaven or what more hell? Oh... but if Michelangelo could have seen this cave! Be prepared to let out more than 1 unconscious sigh as you experience this cave, such textures i just wanted to touch everything! And true to it's name were two not at all cheesy sites: at one part of the cave, light streamed in from the outside; a light bright and pure, accentuated further by the darkness of the cave that as one stood under that pool of light you almost glow; this they nicknamed heaven. The second part just further down from the first was a deep dark pit, imagine a cave is already by nature dark, and you have an even deeper pit so dark black almost doesn't describe it anymore; we were warned to watch our steps as this nicknamed hell. Well i guess the highlight of the ride for me was chewing on sugar cane shoots atop the sailing junk cutting through green waters and at sunset we finally saw it on the horizon: Cat Ba Island.

We arrived just in time for the last mini van from dock to town, perfect timing for the airy bumpy swerving cliff-hanging ride because the sun was setting making everything glow. Cat Ba Island was just full of great stuff: most worthwhile room I have ever heard of (RM15 for two people, the size of a master bedroom, aircond, water heater, tv, ASTRO, and the nicest friendliest receptionist/motorbike renter/laundry man/ tour guide/all in one ever!)

I have only one complaint: DOGS. So many of them. Everywhere.

We even heard a story from one of the other passengers on the junk who had been to Cat Ba before that he was bit in the calf by a dog! But can't put all the blame on the dog la maybe that tourist got on its nerve, cos he sure did get on mine a few times =p

Cat Ba was also the first place I tried dipping "ya cha kua" into my beef noodles soup!!! Saw a few locals doing this before and OMG it became an addiction because it was soooo good! We finished up the shop owners "ya cha kua" and she had to buy some from her neighbour =p DELICIOUS!!!! We also met some pretty weird people during our dinners there, but that's another story. Another discovery: rice pancakes. Little did we expect rice pancakes to be made of real sticky rice when we made and order that morning. But it was well worth discovering, a real comfort food; thicky, heavy, sticky, savory, with sweet caramelized apples! Who needs bland instant pancake batter when you have stuff like this! As some famous people would say: SYIOK.

A certain someone *ahem* also displayed his more macho side on the Cat Ba Island acting all gung ho about driving around on a rented motorbike, WITHOUT A LICENSE! We took a few test drives up and down the main street (because there are no main roads, its a small Island) and I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared for both our lives. But macho man lived up to his name and off we went! With no map, no GPS, and no sense of direction just occasional sign boards and super friendly locals. It wasn't too hard because the Island is like one huge rock, and we were simply encircling or cutting through it so either way it was a circle.

Haih...how am I going to properly describe this particular motorbike ride? IT WAS THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE TRIP FOR ME =p

The sun was up, but the air cool. The trees passed in a green blur, the waters clear and blue. The snaking around the island in mighty curves and dead straight lines. The mighty karsts rose above out heads, and we plunged down steep hills. Awesome. I just kept reminding myself to remember and never never never forget: how amazing this ride was.

Sometime in midday we found the "Cave hospital" by accident. It was a cave converted into an underground hospital when the Vietnamese were at war. The genius of it all makes we even more at awe at these people and their resilience. It was planned out in such detail that they had an operation theater, wards, meeting rooms, and escape passages. They were never discovered even as their enemies circled them from the air.

Travel guides boast about the clear, turquoise waters and white powdery sand of the Cat Cove 1& 2 and while it wasn't really love at first sight or very turquoise nor white for that matter, it was very very very clear. And cold. We were still in north Vietnam where the weather is cool to cold, so jumping into a large body of water sounded pretty Brrrrrr... But by some science/hokuspokus/logic/smartass reasoning, macho man says when the air is cold, the water is warm ergo YOU NEED TO KEEP YOUR BUM IN THE WATER TO KEEP WARM. I slowly warmed up to the idea, and gosh was the water clear that day. I could see all the way to my toes. As I still cannot swim, I mostly waddled and sat there while macho man showed his macho-ness. And as I sat there immersed from bum to chin, the water was almost still and there was tranquility....then in the middle of the Halong Bay.... I let out a historic, momentous....pee.

On the night before we were to leave the island, we sat on a bench facing a small dock crowded with boats. Some were for fishing, some leisure, some restaurants. Their white sails turned orange then crimson then indigo; and then the stars came out. The next morning we saw the same transition but in reverse, over two bags of warm sticky rice with chicken floss.

Then it was off to the little town of Ninh Binh.

**P/s: 1am and I'm really missing the food now. My lists of top food priority in descending order: Sticky rice with fatty pork and liver patte, "ya cha kua" dipped in beef/chicken noodle soup, Banh Minh, lala soup, and LOTSA LOTSA BIA HOI! Actually don't need that descending order thingy la, i want them all equally as bad. Sigh~ hungry and sad now.... gardenia bread sounds so boring next to rice pancakes.

**P/s: My blood tests last week showed what I have long suspected: hyperlipidaemia. Looking back maybe Vietnam was the start of my undoing. =p

Just the way things are.

2011-08-13T01:58:00.001+08:00

I don't want to forget,

but sometimes its too painful to remember.

Lists

2011-06-23T00:43:00.001+08:00

1. Stop thinking about food.

2. Start thinking about how to make proper food.

3. Stop waking up at noon.

4. Start sleeping at night.

5. Stop looking at others.

6. Start praying for myself.

Halong Bay

2011-06-16T21:45:00.005+08:00

Near death crossings/lala/CSI/jugs of joy.

To get the flavor of local commuting, fasten your bag upon your back and cross the bridge to the other side of Hanoi city. Careful though the traffic is heavy, and with motorbikes whizzing by carrying all sorts of odd passengers (eg. potted plants, chickens, window panels, styrofoam, etc) PLEASE stay as close to the railing and give way, I really don't think pedestrians were meant to walk on that bridge, only cheap skate ones =p

Upon reaching the other side, continue forward for....hmm...quite awhile. Along the way ask for some directions at the KFC (because Vietnam does not believe in McDonalds) and sooner or LATER you will arrive at the bus station! At this point do not dally too long as you will have to purchase a "bus'' ticket to the Halong Bay. Friendly ''bus'' drivers will escort you to your ''bus'' which is actually a magic van!

One of my most memorable bus/van rides in Vietnam, the first taste of local commute! It was truly amazing if not hilarious how along the way they found ways to fit more and more people into the van, i lost count after 20! And don't for a second think cramping people in meant they compromised quality. No sir. You get first class treatment, the co-pilot is well trained in his duties to call out to you from the door, read your mind, pick up your bags before you even knew you were going to board, give you his very affectionate hand and sometimes if you are really lucky even lift you up by your waist. No extra charges=p And the scenery was as colorful as the people are. Along the ''highway'', (well it is a main road but it is lined with shops and houses I don't know whether to call it a highway because it quite different from those we have back home) you can very well continue your shopping if you had not already in Hanoi. First we saw a someone selling baguettes, very nice for making ''Banh Mi" with liver pate, pork slices, spicy sauce and berlambak-banyak other things. Then we saw 20 other people selling baguettes. Can't help but wonder if the dust and exhaust added to the smoky crispy crunch I loved in my Banh Mi. Then we say someone selling sunglasses. Followed by 20 other people selling sunglasses. Further along the way were conical hatted people who occasionally peered up from their green green paddy fields. It is the greenest green you could ever imagine, almost neon!

Somewhere along the way after many "Oouhs" and "Aaaahs", I fell asleep.

When I woke up it was HALONG BAY!!! Not really because we were dropped of at the side of the 'highway' where we were brought of motorbikes into the HALONG BAY!!! At the first mention of motorbikes, flashbacks of riding a motorbike with Eunice around Pangkor Island reminded me how wobbly my sense of balance was. But golly my proprioception must have matured since then because the ride was a breeze! Felt quite yeng whizzing down the slopes, if only I had a leather jacket! And aviators! And a tattoo! And boots! And a beer belly!

"Hai San" means seafood. And seafood means good food. Had the bestest hugest lala soup and other sea creatures. Dining al fresco, I pretended we were dining in Italy, the breeze and checkered table cloth helped too! The weather was heaven sent. This was also where we continued our devotion to "bia hoi" and had draft beers by the jugs. One particular night we met a group of 4 young Vietnamese who embodied the spirit of ''bia hoi''. The happiest lot I have seen, who found amusement in everything, and were curious enough to invite us strangers next to them to join them and showed us how it was done.

After lots of Hai San and Bia Hoi it was time to set sail, across the Halong Bay for the Cat Ba Island....

*Took our time with the long walks and hearty food, the city mouse converted to a little town mouse*

Oh why not...

2011-06-14T01:44:00.002+08:00

Shedding my shirt, my book, my coat, my life

Leaving them, empty husks and fallen leaves

Going in search of food and for a spring of sweet water.

I'll find a tree as fat as ten fat men

Clear water rilling over its grey roots

Berries I'll find, and crab-apples and nuts,

And call it home.

I'll tell the wind my name, and no one else.

True madness takes or leaves us in the wood

half-way through our lives.My skin will be

my face now.

I must be nuts. Sense left with shoes and house,

my guts are cramped. I'll stumble through the green

back to my roots, and leaves and thorns and buds,

and shiver.

I'll leave the way of words to walk the wood

I'll be the forest's man, and greet the sun

And feel the silence blossom on my tongue

like language.

- Going Wodwo, Neil Gaiman-

Hanoi

2011-06-08T02:17:00.002+08:00

Mist/fog/haze. Uniforms. Lakes. Ice Cream. Dog meat.

Arriving in Hanoi was a mysterious introduction to the country my severe lack of general knowledge had narrowed down to conical hats and rice noodles. The "foggy" weather only added more to the ambiance. Not knowing how things would be like once I crossed the glass doors onto foreign soil, I did what any self respecting paranoid woman would do in my situation: Relish my last moments in a proper toilet, with real live sized doors, and stock up on free tissue paper. Walking out of the airport friendly faces would chorus rehearsed lines of "Taxi?" They call once and they called twice before letting u off with the same friendly face. No pressure. Exiting the airport and along the main highway, were more solemn looking faces, the first of many smartly uniformed government workers. Man they looked so...clean..and important..and oh don't touch that it might be important to the government.

One of my favourite memories of Vietnam would be the scenes of the passing countryside, seen from aboard a rickety public bus, cramped minivan, motorcycle, "air-conditioned bus" etc. From Hanoi down to Ho Chi Minh, every time we travelled the scenes never failed to make me sit up, looks back, point, smile, crinkle in wonder or laugh a little. There was always something to see and the first things I saw were the tiny tables and chairs of Hanoi! The road from the airport to the Old Quarter is lined with little shop houses. Colourful narrow units are sandwiched against each other, very much like the buildings I used to build with Lego! Another peculiar sight were the young women who boarded the bus donning personalised fabric face masks. Suddenly the "foggy" weather wasn't so mysterious anymore, it was dust =p But hey, a little (hmm..maybe more than a little) dust isn't going to spoil the cool weather they had. It was perfect!

The Old Quarter is an amazing maze of shops, inns, nooks and crannies. Each of the criss crossing street specializes in something eg: hardware street, TOYS street (HEHE), silversmith street, even a tomb stone making street! And nestled amongst the web is a school, a market a theater, and a romantic lake! In Hanoi, the lake is THE (pronounced thee) place to play chess, read, have lunch, walk your dog/child/boyfriend, eat ice cream and hold hands. The serene lake is lined with ancient bald trees whose wrinkly branches go to extreme lengths to stretch out and delicately ripple the water a little. The spherical white lanterns adorning the sleepy trees and the silhouette of the bridge and floating pagoda in the middle of the lake completes the look. Did I mention the ice cream? The ice cream is good! And I still can't tell what flavour it is.

Turn your back on the lake and you are immediately brought back to the traffic of Hanoi abuzz with vespas, motorcycles, bicycles and cyclos. By a cross junction along the blacksmith's street is a little shop serving draft beer from a rubber host and keg. Sit down awhile on the knee high chairs under the huge tree and watch the motorists magically untangle themselves from a cross junction without rules or traffic lights. This was how I enjoyed my first bia/beer Hanoi, and it has become one of my favourites! Honking is not deemed rude, rather a norm/courtesy. Elderly people can cross busy roads as these without flinching. The secret? To always walk at a steady pace, the other motorists with take que and maneuver their way AROUND you.

Food highlights are aplenty! Baguettes stuffed with pork and liver pate, cow's heart in tomato soup (really much nicer than it sounds), ice cream (again), sticky pork with sticky rice, pig brains (more tolerable than it sounds), eel soup, bia/beer hanoi (again again because it is so cheap = price of chinese tea in malaysia), fried fish in noodle soup, some special yummy sweet sour and spicy salad with peanuts i no can remember the rest, and last but not least dog meat. Yes, there is a whole stretch of shops serving dog meat and only dog meat. Cooked versions are fine, but cold slices are a little too advanced for me.

As the capital city, Hanoi does not lack in museums and official buildings. Who knew a mausoleum could take my breath away? It was beautifully grand! Guards dressed in snowy white marched to and fro which such pride in their stride. And flowers were always fresh to bear witness to the love the people had for the one honoured by this monument. A war museum, a gothic church, a citadel, an art exhibition turned badminton court.

" With a tattled map, a flower from the market, and the perfect ice cream cone, I would no sooner love to get lost again in the dizzy vespa streets of Hanoi with you."

Indochina shoes

2011-05-23T15:28:00.001+08:00

I is back!

Lucky

2011-03-16T18:11:00.002+08:00

I am no poet, no writer or songs

But I am a lucky girl; that I knew all along!

Fly Away

2011-03-12T22:54:00.003+08:00

"When will you be home?" she asks. As we watch the planes take off. We both know we have no clear answer to where my dreams may lead. She's watched me as I crawled and stumbled. As a child, she was my world. And now to let me go, I know she bleeds. And yet she says to me. You can fly so high. Keep your gaze upon the sky. I'll be prayin every step along the way. Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart. I love you too much to make you stay. Baby, fly away. Autumn leaves fell into spring time and silver painted hair. Daddy called one evening saying "We need you. Please come back". When I saw her lying in her bed. Fragile as a child. Pale just like an angel taking flight. I held her as I cried. You can fly so high. Keep your gaze upon the sky. I'll be prayin every step along the way. Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart. I love you too much to make you stay. Baby fly away. I love you too much to make you stay. Baby fly away.

Spinning around in dizzy loops

2011-03-10T23:36:00.003+08:00

Discovering a hidden fountain,

I'd never been this close to little wonders

Waiting patiently on the last rays of day,

I'd never noticed how the world is painted over

Idling down the glassy river,

I'd never imagined so many shades of green.

Spinning around in dizzy loops,

I love you more and more for you are my constant.

We cherish our little wonders, paint our sunsets, and dream in shades the world no longer cares to see.

Chronic ITP

2011-02-22T19:31:00.002+08:00

Today I sat for supposedly the last exam I should ever take as an undergraduate.

5 years of learning and many more to come *phew*

Will they allow me to pass?

Though I feel there is so much more for me to know/be/do.

I guess it will always be a balance of self scrutiny and giving yourself credit for achievements made?

I want to graduate. But I also want to be blardddy good when I do so =p

Darn it...promised myself to loose weight (exercise of course, i don't plan on reducing food intake man) if i pass. That was premature of me...WHAT ABOUT HOLIDAY BINGING!!!!

Would not trade this for anything

2010-12-30T23:53:00.001+08:00

Somethings shouldn't be done before a portfolio due date; like watching a movie.

Then again some things need to be done before a portfolio due date; like watching "Forrest Gump".

Merry Christmas

2010-12-24T21:27:00.002+08:00

" I see it as a strengthened heart, not a weakened one"

Is toDAY the DAY?

2010-11-29T16:54:00.002+08:00

It was the morning of my convocation:

I had forgot to tell my parents I was going to be convocated (??!? not a real word)

I was in pajamas, couldn't find the formal dress I planned to wear

I was pretty sure I wasn't going to get a bouquet because again parents were not prepared

I was late

BUT I WAS AS HAPPY AS HAPPY CAN BE!!!!!

This sense of completion. A 6+5+2+5 = 18year long task.

"I did it?.....wow"

Nothing could spoil my day man, not people, not dresses, not flowers.

I. w.a.s. g.r.a.d.u.a.t.i.n.g!!! ......wow

Alas as I got into the car, a part of me already knew this was just a dream and I was going to wake up soon. And just as predicted I woke to the sound of the alarm...

Good morning 6.30am..Good morning paperwork.. Good morning another day as a student..

But a good morning nonetheless because I'm on my way there =)

Eeeeeeeeeek this is exciting! I really really want to make it!

Will have to remember to give the parents earlier notification before the real one though =p

Today:

2010-10-19T02:32:00.001+08:00

I'm going to enjoy, embrace, cherish, hold on to, and savour what I was blessed with...

Just because I can =)

The Parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector

2010-10-10T14:54:00.003+08:00

⁹To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parable:

¹⁰"Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. ¹¹The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. ¹²I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.'

¹³"But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, 'God, have mercy on me, a sinner.'

¹⁴"I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."

I am unworthy, but in that unworthiness You loved me most?

How will I understand such depths of love.

Be Thou my dignity, Thou my delight.

Thou my soul's shelter, Thou my high tower.

Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

~Irish hymn

Stepping out of stupidity

2010-10-09T17:43:00.004+08:00

I was wrong.

I was wrong about everything I thought this world to be and its people in it.

I was wrong to overvalue that which is obviously no worth to others.

Why cradle shards of waste in your palm only to have them flung to the ground?

I was so so wrong and for that I only have myself to blame.

What are we doing?

If only to claw and spit to get to the top... If only to look out for one... If only to turn each against the other... If only to hoard the goods...

What are we doing?

Is a nights rest enough to put our souls at rest?

It seems so. With each day we trade our humanity for an extra hour of sleep or comfort or that extra sense of superiority.

I don't know what I am doing, or why I am so flawed.

Lord if You couldn't make me perfect, why couldn't You just make me blind?

The new, unrepeated, unprecedented, adventure of a human life..

2010-10-05T15:19:00.002+08:00

Help me not waste it.

How do you

2010-09-05T01:45:00.002+08:00

eat your pie and have it too...

be in two places at once...

witness the sunrise as it sets...

How do you?

Soul torn; in need of magic tape

My first painting

2010-08-26T16:47:00.007+08:00

We had cleared most of the things save the pictures and memorabilia blue tacked on the wall when he picked up a painting of a single panda, wrapped in clear plastic to preserve the delicate paper. The words ".... on your 19th birthday..." were scribbled on the back.

NINETEENTH birthday. Quick arithmetics and i come to the realization I've turned 23 not too long ago. Realization that 5 years have passed. Realization that the days i used to daydream about is happening right now. Realization that damn I'm really doing this aren't I? Realization. Wow.

"...you were so young then..." Of course there is always more room for more: growing up. But this had been a growth spurt for me.

I can remember the pure fear running from the tips of the hair on my head to my toes before the first assessment. Not even a semester exam, just a little "test" like an ant bite. Then as I learned and experienced more I remember preparations for the 1st semester exams, the 3rd, the 5th, the 7th and the 9th. Each vivid, different and each still baffling. I remember silent words whispered before each paper was turned or door opened, closed eyes as we ripped results slips, have really been through that much?

I remember so many things. But what I do not remember, is ever going through any of it alone. Whenever I try to tell people I did it with God's help, it sounds awkward, strange, cliche, "trying too hard", but in actual fact this is the truth is the truest form. I know myself, and I know what I can or cannot do, this is not something I could have done as me. Even now it is hard to put into words. Something each experiences for herself i guess.

And now as i pack for a final hurdle, I allow myself a little peek into the not so distant future. Where will I go? What will I do? And how will I choose to do it?

This has happened to me quite a few times:

After an amazing movie or book, your feet automatically gets up and walks towards reality but your head for some reason decides to linger a little in the after effects of the great story you just witnessed. It is in this limbo that you are allowed to dream without boundaries, without limitation, without commitment. No one can laugh or question you, not even your greatest critic: you.

Like that boy on the tricycle, I'm waiting for "I dunno...something AMAZING... I guess"

But out here in the real world of loans, distance, responsibility, weakness... something AMAZING usually comes with a price. And there is always the nagging doubt "Come on girl, can you handle something...AMAZING?"

I have options, I'm not complaining, how can I when I have been so blessed. I have been given the opportunity to do AMAZING things if I choose to, how many people can say that?

You know after a really good work out, you feel your muscles aching and burning and your legs feel wobbly? One of the best feelings ever. (Not that I experience it that often, I don't exercise as much as I should, or at all sometimes...gah.) Well I could choose to be comfortable and near the things that I love and have become familiar to me, or I could choose to come out of this bone tired, dry as well worn leather and say "Ok I did that".

Gah but no matter how many motivational speeches I give myself, the first leap is always the hardest, how am I to bring myself to jump of the edge.

"Something AMAZING....I guess"

My heart longs for you, my Saviour; I would follow You, my Lord. Your kindness and love are vast as the skies; Your faithfulness never dies. My God and my King, Your great Name I sing; My offering of praise I bring.  Jesus, O Jesus, I give You my life; Jesus, O Jesus, I give You my life.  My soul contemplates Your glory I worship in holy awe  In quietness and in confident trust I rest in all that You are I'll sing to the world  Your glory and grace Until I behold Your face

These day, some songs are harder than others to sing.

Whistle with me!

2010-06-26T17:21:00.003+08:00

I like my comfort sounds:

1. The little tune they play right at the beginning of a disney movie as tinkerbell encircles the castle with fairy dust!

2. Sound of sizzling bacon and eggs for a big Saturday breakfast =p

3. At the random-est moment, the chuckle of someone you love.

4. Sister's "I've got another favorite song to show you laaaa", that you gonna hate at first then love later.

5. The sound of paper ripping as you savagely attack a surprise envelope with your name written on it. (Angie! I dont know if you still read this but I got your bday card I loOOooOOoooooove it! Every year without fail you add a little splash of random color into my life!)

All telling you that life goes on everything is gonna be A-ok! *whistles* *Woooots!*

Trainee Wheels

2010-06-24T19:28:00.003+08:00

So many things seem uncertain when you are a student tip toeing to peek into the working world. At times you want to leap forward and get to the task at hand. Other times you prefer to draw the curtains shut and enjoy a few more moments in your toasty comfort zone where friends are friendly, lunch time mean lunch time, weekends mean rest, worries end at 5pm, self declared celebrations happen every 4 weeks and you have excuse to watch animated movies with a student's discount card.

But that is how it has always been: from the potty to toilet bowl, trainee wheels to 2 wheeled bikes, primary school to secondary school, flats to heels, you always feel the cookie in your hand is the best until you finish it and discover your next favorite cookie.

Cheesy as it may sound, I have been so blessed in ways i can never deserve.

Final (hopefully) year as a medical student: I want to look back in less than a year from now and know i finished it well.

Final (hopefully) year as parent dependent parasite: I want to look forward to less than a year from now and know I will be able to take care of us.

** Oh where oh where are my nerd pants, i need them so right now...Not feeling the heat from EOS yet ler...bad bad bad...**

Sisters

2010-06-14T00:18:00.002+08:00

Sometimes they seem to strive to ruin whatever is left from your almost non existent social life

But most times they just remind you to exist in your own life

"Just because everything's changing

Doesn't mean its never been this way before...

All you can do is know who your friends are

And head of into the war...

Pick a star on the dark horizon

And follow the light...

You'll come back when it's over

No need to say goodbye..."

Aiyak be warned..some 18SX pics in this video but it was the best i could find, Rachel Tan close your eyes just listen enough dy!

2nd looks

2009-12-19T22:37:00.005+08:00

You never knew you cared, till you lost
You never knew you loved, till you hated
You never knew what you needed, till you were given what you wanted.

You never knew what a Future was, till you stared Past in the face.

I can't concentrate either.

Haha the days find me blogging only when I'm confused.
Thus giving the impression that im a sad, grumpy, sour old girl...
Sheeesh but I'm not =p

On a brighter less solemn note:
The hols begin in approximately 5 days!
Have decided to do something useful with myself this time around =)

Who will protect you?

2009-11-18T16:42:00.005+08:00

One of the more moving sights:
To see a mother; crying as she punishes her child.

What whirlwind of thoughts and emotions, hopes and fears brews in furrows of a mother when she realises she cant change the way the world spins; not even for her baby.

That maniac behind the wheel

2009-11-15T21:45:00.003+08:00

To me the best way to enjoy music is still in a car.

Listen to it on your computer: you are busy chatting to appretiate any auditory input
Listen to it on your bed: you fall asleep
Listen to it while studying: what da heck (?!?) tengah stress la ni!
Listen to it while mopping the floor: Hmmm i actually like doing that..

Alone cruising or parked next to a serene lake.
Your heart soars and dives with the rippling melody, you nibble chew and savour chunks of succulent lyrics. And when you feel like it, just because you feel like it, you sing a song for yourself; for the people you've met; for the people you have yet to meet. Sometimes the song has words, sometimes a tune, sometimes just a deep breath and a smile.

Oh wells too bad my car radio always goes fuzzy...

"It is easier to please the world, than it is to please myself"

Yeap yeap.

Ikea lamps

2009-11-10T18:48:00.002+08:00

The Ikea lamp isn't working. The one that gives my tiny room a warm yellowy orangey glow. The one that welcomes me home after a long day. The one that calms me before exams. The one that reads Neil Gaiman with me. The one that i leave on at nights to see the time in the mornings. The one that was my favourite-est.

Some things break your heart like that. Give you a glowing glimpse of what things could be, then fizzle out on you with a lil *pop* as easy as it would be to snap a wound up filament.

This nauseating familiarity. Oh wells drama keeps us going.

ps: I'm loving semester 8! Took me awhile to realise this but I'm finally loving clinical school! I suspect it has allot to do with finishing most of the postings by now, and so things make more sense when you have that kind of perspective.

" Vision from afar has more perspective however, it sees less"
Who knew an opthalmo lecture on anatomy and physiology of the eye could be turn out philosophical!

One is considered wise when you have enough perspective on things to make well balanced decisions. These wise decisions, time tested, save you from 'uneccesary heartache'. The person giving the wise advise probably learned their precious lesson through experience. They fell, they scraped, they got up to tell the tale. Then the stage is set for us younglings, the choices are laid out. If we heed the wise promtings we skip steps 1, and 2 and live to tell the tale of the wise decision we made........is that enough?

Is it enough to have perspective, but not see the details? Is it enough to give a running commentary on a football game while sitting on your overstuffed sofa criticizing each miss, when you have never run the field nor experienced the dizzy feeling of not being able to find an open team member? It would not be 'your' game if you came out of it unscratched, you would not feel that smug satisfaction in your belly until you've got a scrape of two, battle wounds so to say from the game. Put that in life, would relying on the lessons learned by someone else run the risk of me playing a modified version of their life instead of my own? What if i want to see the details; ugly as they may be?

This post has no real flow....

And i thought identity crisis resolves by adulthood.

Stupidity:

2009-10-18T22:24:00.002+08:00

You took away everything,
but I've been smiling these days.

Too old to love youtube videos?

2009-10-17T18:11:00.002+08:00

Nope =)

Spectrums

2009-10-12T18:20:00.002+08:00

Some people are jerks,
Some people pretend to be jerks.

I think see you, but not for long.

Spinning round and round, going upside down

2009-10-03T13:12:00.003+08:00

We heard so many jets taking off from the Subang Airport this morning.
I liked to imagine it was air crafts flying teams and supplies to our neighbours.
But Dad said it was for some International Jet Exhibition.

After watching the reports and pictures, my body itched to be there.
But then logic doubt comes a knockin as it always does, you are of a certain gender, a certain built, a certain intellectual capability, a certain financial status.
Oh if my electives could be brought forward i would have the perfect excuse!

World is struck by calamity. World calls for international unity. World sends help. Help is covered by media. World is gung-ho and talk about future preventive and precautionary measures. Media turns attention to newer stories. World turns too. Help leaves unfinished business, unreached areas. World continues to leave the shower on while soaping, driving to get grocery across the street, produce more food that it can consume and then produce diet pills. World completes another walk around Sun. And that is just how we spin babe.

As the green green hills roll by

2009-09-22T16:47:00.007+08:00

Its tuesday, day 4 of the holidays! And I am determined to enjoy this holiday!
Us being in semester 8 now the so called "honeymoon" semester, things have been pretty much relaxing since going back for classes.The do or die mood is replaced with a more peaceful countenance knowing that there is no major life altering exam for the next 6 months at least.
(this is a very good example of how a medical student ought NOT to be =p)

There are allot of pictures back logging my computer at the moment.

1) Lesley was back for her semester break during my STUDY BREAK (wah liao where is the fairness in that), so after EOS our dad packed us 3 sisters for a trip to genting. Our dad gave us a camera on loan for this trip so yeah, probably for the 1st time in a long time this blog will have some pictures.

2) Family trip to camerons before sending Lesley back to kedah

My sisters already picked the more embarrassing pictures of me for their blogs, I think i need to show the world how normal and sane I actual am. I dont know how my sisters do it la, they will upload berlambak banyak pictures and sit down patiently to fill in the captions. I will try:

I think I really could get used to a simple life like that =)

Hmmm too many pictures la! Will continue the next time, slave driver Rachel summons me to do her bidding ='(

2009-09-15T23:11:00.002+08:00

RAINBOW CONNECTION
Kermit the Frog

Why are there so many
Songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side.

Rainbow's are visions
But only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide
So we've been told and some chose to believe it
I know they're wrong wait and see

Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

Who said that every wish
Would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star

Somebody thought of that
And someone believed it
And look what it's done so far
What's so amazing that keeps us star gazing
And what do you thing we might see

Someday we'll find it
That Rainbow Connection
The lovers the dreamers and me

All of us are under its spell
We know that its probably magic

Have you been half asleep
And have you heard voices
I've heard them calling my name
Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors
The voice might be one in the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
There's something that I'm supposed to be

Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

Through It All

2009-09-13T16:07:00.004+08:00

I've had many tears and sorrows,
I've had questions for tomorrow,
There's been times I didn't know right from wrong.
But in every situation,
God gave me blessed consolation,
That my trials come to only make me strong.

I've been to lots of places,
I've seen a lot of faces,
There's been times I felt so all alone.
But in my lonely hours,
Yes, those precious lonely hours,
Jesus lets me know that I was His own

I thank God for the Mountains,
And I thank Him for the Valleys,
I thank Him for the Storms He brought me through.
For if I'd never had a problem,
I wouldn't know God could solve them,
I'd never know what faith in God could do

~Through It All, Andrae Crouch~

For every time we thought we were making a sacrifice in His name, He was giving us the opportunity to receive blessings.

090909

2009-09-09T00:01:00.001+08:00

Apparently at 12am tonight, everyone is granted a wish.

What would my wish be?
That I had the courage to make wishes come true.

Bai Bai!

2009-09-04T23:16:00.002+08:00

Guess who is hugging a non-pathological, non-pharmacological, non-clinical book right now?
Guess who has hot teh limau nipis dan halia right now?
Guess who is in the most comfy comforter right now?
Guess who is going to a green, cool, misty, high above sea level, abundant with flowers and strawberries place in less than 10 hours?

Awhhh just picturing it makes me happy already =)

The product of self-reliance:

2009-09-03T23:18:00.003+08:00

I am my own shepherd. I am always in need.
I stumble from mall to mall and shrink to shrink, seeking relief but never finding it.
I creep through the valley of the shadow of death and fall apart.
I fear everything from pesticides to power lines, and I'm starting to act like my mother.
I go down to the weekly staff meeting and am surrounded by enemies.
I go home, and even my goldfish scowls at me.
I anoint my headache with extra-strength Tylenol.
My Jack Daniel's runneth over.
Surely misery and misfortune will follow me, and I will live in self doubt for the rest of my lonely life.

~Travelling Light, Max Lucado~

Magic word: Hysterectomy

2009-08-12T17:35:00.002+08:00

Nauseous and in pain.
This is NO FAIR!

I need a warm sweet drink, an innocent creature to abuse and the luxury of curling into a ball and dying.

Errrr...

2009-08-02T02:48:00.003+08:00

I fell asleep on page 209 Oxford Handbook

I dreamt a Cushing's patient was attacking me! Super horror movie material leh!
Don't know to laugh or cry... but it was scary..

Then I woke up, and found TV2 playing some Malaysian drama series, with a dolled up 1 inch thick make up transvestite singing to himself and dancing with a scarf...

Don't think i can sleep now.

@ 4am

2009-07-24T04:12:00.003+08:00

woke up, couldn't go back to sleep.
me wonders why.

tomorrow marks the beginning of the EOS preparation.
maybe that's why i subconsciously want to prolong this night.

minyak kapak oil, coconut oil, cod fish oil, car oil, sebum oil, peanut oil, kelapa sawit oil, every known natural and man made oil; I'm gonna burn!

pffft EOS 7, think we scared of you meh!

Keeping still

2009-07-18T22:19:00.004+08:00

You don't wish to comfort or assure anymore, because mere words mean nothing.

It is far more painful to watch; and if given the chance to choose the lesser torture you'd rather take the stripes, the pain and the ridicule on yourself than be forced to watch it happen from a distance. As a spectator, the stripes cut twice as deep, the pain twice as bitter and the ridicule twice as crippling. Because as a spectator you cannot cry out, or retaliate, or release your frustrations in the pain, as a spectator you cannot do anything. Oh what you would give...

Your arms crave to shelter, your fingers ache to crush something to its dust, your feet are ready to whisk something to safety, with every fiber of your being you long to reach in and intervene. The urge is so strong, so instictive, so much a part of you, you cant even remember how you came to have it.

But with that torture, you stand aside, and you watch.
A deep well stirs within you, but you swallow it.

Because life has to run its course; even if it means watching something you love break to be moulded into something more beautiful.

Was this how you felt Mary?
How did you survive it? Because I don't feel I can.

You gots to have a Plan.

2009-07-14T14:51:00.004+08:00

Have you gots a Plan???

Oh man... I've always been bad at keeping to plans,

but here goes.

x_X

Thanks Xan!

ps: anyone else lacking plans?

Movies I could watch over and over and over... and over

2009-07-13T21:09:00.000+08:00

Elizabeth Bennet: Now if every man in the room does not end the evening in love with you then I am no judge of beauty.
Jane Bennet: Or men.
Elizabeth Bennet: No, they are far too easy to judge.
Jane Bennet: They're not all bad.
Elizabeth Bennet: Humorless poppycocks, in my limited experience.
Jane Bennet: One of these days, Lizzie, someone will catch your eye and then you'll have to watch your tongue.
~Pride and Prejudice (2005)~

Mr. Darcy: Do you talk, as a rule, while dancing?
Elizabeth Bennet: No... No, I prefer to be unsociable and taciturn... Makes it all so much more enjoyable, don't you think?
~Pride and Prejudice (2005)~

Holly Kennedy: I don't want to make any mistakes.
Gerry Kennedy: Then you're in the wrong species, love. Be a duck.
~P.S. I love You (2007)~

Evolution

2009-07-12T18:25:00.006+08:00

Since when did we become old to tell our parents we are going to drive 30 minutes to look for food just "for the fun of it"? ( plus the fact that the next day is a schooling day)

Since when did our little brothers become camera shy?

Since when did we start drinking SODA WATER like it was 7-up????!?!

Wah liao wei I just couldnt believe that he was drinking a cup of plain soda water like it was some soft drink! So slumber somemore, like it was the most natural thing in the world.

I've tried it before and it tastes like soap water lor! Why would anyone put themselves through the torture of drinking soap water? I was convinced it was used for mixing alco or soft drinks not as a drink alone. Then Ian proceeded to tell us some story about his grandfather's friend relating to soda water....

Anyways.. like most of Ian's stories, we laughed too much to actually pay enough attention =p

According to the trusted Wikipedia:

Soda water, also known as seltzer in the US and Canada, is water which is carbonated and thus made effervescent by the addition of carbon dioxide gas under pressure. Soda water is sometimes used to dilute strong alcoholic drinks, e.g. cocktails such as a whisky and soda, or Campari and soda. It can also be drunk on its own. Soda water gets its name from the sodium salts it contains, said 'salty' compounds adding a distinct and pleasurable quality to many beverages of the alcoholic, and non-alcoholic type.

Hmmm... ok lor, maybe i owe you an apology for laughing so loudly, seems that you DO drink it as a drink by itself, though it still does not make sense since you said so yourself that it has a weird taste.

Listening to my sis telling a "supposedly funny" story.

Laugh laugh laugh.

Chieeeh... not that funny also want to laugh!
This Rachel is a traitor man, will never bring her out in public ANYMORE!

Chicken Cordon Bleu...

2009-07-11T23:00:00.004+08:00

Chicken Cordon Bluek

Pfft...With food like this we'd rather eat carrot sticks.

And for carnivorous creatures such as ourselves, that is a big thing.

What shall I have for dinner?

2009-07-11T18:18:00.004+08:00

Dinner time always makes me hungry... and nostalgic.

Trading Places

2009-07-10T14:55:00.004+08:00

If I could be anywhere now where would I be?
If I could touch any heart now to whom would it belong?
If I could sing any song now what would be the words?

Or could I just stay here, touch these hearts, and sing this song.

If I could re-write this life, would I?

We hope for a different tomorrow, dream of a different life, escape is an alluring beauty.
But every longing sigh we heave, we leave something of our old lives behind. And how do you do that, reach for something whilst letting something else go.

cowardliness. down to earth. plain lazy. jaded. call it whatever you wish.

Kids say the darnest things:

2009-06-26T20:45:00.002+08:00

" I just can't believe he is dead....he looked so dead all these while."

"So... when he was alive everyone hated him and call him a paedophile?... now he's dead they all miss him?.... wow what a world we live in."

~Rachel Tan The Bimbo, Age: 14 years~

I love my room,

2009-06-23T20:36:00.002+08:00

and that is the root of all my troubles!

I love my small tiny space because its just rightly snug and comfy. Everything is within my reach and I dont have to worry about weird creatures lurking around.

I love my Ikea lamp, a present from me sisters. Its gorgeous orange light just puts me at ease when I choose to retreat.

I love my black mounting board where I pin up delicate memories so they remain just as they are, preserved.

I love my yellow water jug with painted white flowers, cos it gives me incentive to drink more water.

I love my beige curtains with tiny red hearts cos it turns the room to a lil cottage.

I love my ever changing bedsheets, each one for a different mood.

I even love my tranparent wardrobe with no doors or walls cos my colourful clothes become an every changing painting.

I love my aircond, though it freezes my toes.

AND THAT is the root of all my problems!

I really really really really gotta finish my part of the research paper if I am to survive the week.

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

~Falling Slowly~

Lift your eyes

2009-06-21T21:28:00.003+08:00

One thing that was very nicely summarized today:

"The church is not a museum for stain glassed saints,
it is a hospital for sinners who know the need for the Lord"

Mr.Tan

2009-06-20T21:53:00.004+08:00

The time is 11pm.

And my dad is having his first:

"Cant-sleep-so-im-pacing-round-the-house-looking-for-things-to-do-cos-my-teenage-daughter-is-not-back-from-her-outing-with-her-friends-yet-but-im-too-cool-a-dad-to-be-a-party-popper-and- drag-her-skinny-arse-back-home"

In the past few hours he has:

1. Fixed tuna sandwiches
2. Sandpaper something he saw fit to be sandpapered in the front porch
3. Cut fruits
4. Tidy his storeroom
5. Fix something he saw fit to fix in the kitchen
6. Fail at watching TV because he fell asleep on the couch (gotta give him credit for trying tho)

Haha this is SO CUTE!

Oh, what a perfect time to say. "HAPPY FATHER's DAY" =p

**edit: Just got my a reply frm Ms.Rachel "soon 11.45 =p" wah liao wei, 14 year olds these days...terror man

Happy tank: Full

2009-06-19T18:36:00.007+08:00

Since passing the good old Subang toll gates on wednesday, I have been on a DVD movie marathon!

Theme: Feel good, funny, colourful.

No serious, violent, horror stuff allowed.

"My name is Denise Tan, and I'm a sh shHHhh shHHHHHHhhHhh

a shopaholic"

Okay, maybe not a full blown shopaholic yet because I cant afford to yet $_$

but i'm begining to identify some early symptoms in me =/

Well it IS supposed to be a movie about fashion and shopping, so what did you expect?

Though most of the other clothes were abit too pink for me,

I love this coat, i love these gloves, i love these shoes.

The only coat i am ever gonna wear is a labcoat.

Talking about beautiful things, I finally got the courage to use my new wallet!

tak sampai hati to use it before this, cos... its so new! but gotta learn to enjoy life abit rite? =p

psssst: also got new hp!

pssssst: I am a very very very lucky girl!

What is wrong about watching HSM3? NOTHING I TELL YOU! PERFECTLY NORMAL.

Somehow i didnt find myself drolling over the main actor..

but i know someone who might have...

*cough* *jen**cough**cough**lye**cough*

I prefered Lucas Grabeel's character: Ryan Evans!

Haha so metrosexual but soooo entertaining!

"I want it all! The fortune and the fame and more!"

Ya I know they are supposed to be the bad guys, but...

"Paris! London! Rome! Toronto! La! Sydney! Buenos aires! Tokyo! Moscow! Bollywood! Hollywood! New york city! We want it all!"

*ahem* sounds abit Manic, but its catchy!

NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM TWO!

Haha on a few occasions i was LTM
(short for : Laughing To Myself, we find lotsa these terms in the psychiatric files we read: TTH= talking to himself, STH= smiling to himself)

My favorites would have to be: THE BOBBING EISNTEINS!!!! sho cute!

Oh! andDarth Vader from Starwars and Oscar the Grouch from Sesame Street wanting to join the big bad guys were funny too!

Ben Stiller: "We can't all be Einsteins"
Bobbing Eisnteins: "I am, he is, and him, me too!"

Kena reject...Owhh bother... =p

Ahhh... The satisfaction of time well wasted.

My happy tank it full!

Now all i need to complete this utter waste of precious time is to go shopping!

EOS in (X) weeks, yes it is down to single digits now, hold my hand =/

With my head in the clouds

2009-06-15T19:22:00.003+08:00

I just got here and i already miss being there.

Dear Diary (I)

2009-06-14T19:22:00.001+08:00

I am not one of those people who were meant to write.
I mean I DO read and I CAN write, but I hardly believe it was ever programmed into me the ability or purpose to write and change the world one reader/stalker/blog junkie at a time.

But I realize that I am somewhat emotionally cacat (handicapped).
I don’t really know what I am feeling until I start writing it down: be it in a Microsoft Words document, or a mental list in my head.
It’s only when I take the time to do this little exercise that I realize the feelings, ideas, thoughts, longings and beliefs that have been suppressed by my conscious being since the last exercise was performed, and in my current situation; a very long time ago.

I’m just letting this flow as I go along.

Is that why girls like to keep Diaries by the way? From experience a diary can be one of the most disabling weapons. You can be held hostage by the very words you pen. You have the power to make yourself a hypocrite, a liar, or an actress. The stuff terrorists are made off.

Of late what seems to be the recurring theme in my head is the topic of “loneliness”.
I believe the term is not reserved for old spinsters (like myself) or socially handicapped people (with whom I feel I can also identify with) alone. Humans are lonely whether we receive showers of compliments, kisses, chocolates, or “hello how do you do’s”. We spend the first half of our lives seeking the approval of others, and the other half wondering why the feelings of accomplishment and smug satisfaction hadn’t kicked in yet. And by the time death pays his faithful visit, we would still be wondering.

I used to be SO uncomfortable with the notion of appearing in society unaccompanied: eating, or shopping or watching a movie alone. I dreaded the day when I would be so desperate that I had to watch a movie alone. In my head that only meant one thing: Lonely.

But of late I find myself doing more and more with numero uno (me). And I admit, it isn’t because I’m being more independent or any of that nonsense growing up excuse, it’s simply because situations changed, its normal for situations to change and I believe I embrace changes to the best of my ability. I didn’t see it a very big deal to drive to a shopping mall just because I felt like it, to treat myself to a nice dessert whenever I wanted to, to watch a movie even if nobody I know was around. It seemed the natural way to move on and cope for me.

Natural, until someone told me it was “sad”.
Natural, until someone told me I was “sad”.
Natural, until I let what someone says become what I should feel.

Of course what someone or what a few someones say did not change the way I led my life, but looking back I feel it was foolish of me to even respond to such negativism. The fact that even for the briefest moment, I would let such a thought run through my mind, was unlike me. The fact that I gave an outward response to it was toxic to my soul.

We are taught to look after the feelings of others, to not hurt anyone without reason, and give or take a little, most of us turn out to be pretty decent people. But what is not emphasized is the need to be kind to ourselves. We give continuously abuse and beat ourselves up when we:

Gape at the talents of other but,
Fail to show the gifts we are blessed with.
Believe that our happiness lies in the hands of another and,
Let others tell us how happy we can or cannot be.

Addressing someone’s comment:
If I am uncomfortable with being with myself, how can I expect someone else to be comfortable around me?

Loneliness is not failing to make others love us
Loneliness is when we cannot love ourselves

So who is lonely now, the spinster who buys herself flowers to make herself happy or the girl who waits upon someone else to buy her happiness for her.

Asking

2009-06-09T00:39:00.007+08:00

"I thought we all were the children of God"

When all else feels more scripted and rehearsed than it is genuine,

I don't mind taking lessons from 'childish' cartoons.

"You are deformed." "I am deformed..."

"And you are ugly." "I am ugly..."

"And these are crimes for which the world shows little pity."

"All my life i wonder how it feels to pass a day, not above them, but part of them."

Why would anyone want to be part of us

Teach me to love.

Labels

2009-06-02T21:42:00.003+08:00

"Miss, look at my daugther what do you see thats wrong with her?"

Mind: " She is as sweet, innocent, special and important

as the other girl playing with their paper boats,

just in a body and state that we do not understand yet.

Nothing is wrong with her."

Mouth: Autism...

Stress is building up...

2009-06-01T20:48:00.001+08:00

I...

can...

smell it...

elp mi

2009-05-27T22:21:00.005+08:00

I hate presentations
I hate having to talk at presentations
I hate not knowing what I'm saying at presentations
I hate preparing slides to avoid not knowing what I'm saying at presentations
I hate thinking about preparing to avoid not knowing what I'm saying at presentations
I hate hating to think about preparing to avoid not knowing what I'm gonna say at presentations

I just wanna nerd out and study in my little cocoon,
i promise never to complain about studying ever again (hmmmm....boleh kah?)

I just hate presentations laaaaaaaaaaar

I Dreamed a Dream

2009-05-26T18:35:00.009+08:00

There was a time when men were kind,

When their voices were soft,

And their words inviting.

There was a time when love was blind,

And the world was a song,

And the song was exciting.

There was a time when it all went wrong...

I dreamed a dream in days gone by,

When hope was high and life, worth living.

I dreamed that love would never die,

I dreamed that God would be forgiving.

Then I was young and unafraid,

And dreams were made and used and wasted.

There was no ransom to be paid,

No song unsung, no wine, untasted.

But the tigers come at night,

With their voices soft as thunder,

As they tear your hope apart,

And they turn your dream to shame.

He slept a summer by my side,

He filled my days with endless wonder...

He took my childhood in his stride,

But he was gone when autumn came!

And still I dream he'll come to me,

That we will live the years together,

But there are dreams that cannot be,

And there are storms we cannot weather!

I had a dream my life would be

So different from this hell I'm living,

So different now from what it seemed...

Now life has killed the dream I dreamed...

~Les Miserables~

YOU'VE GOT TO GO TO THIS LINK:

Britains Got Talent (made me tear!)

Somehow I'm not allowed to embed it.

Dont want to give too much away by talking about it, just go watch it!

I must must must watch this musical before I die

Which got me thinking...

What is the one thing you've got to do before you die?

Hmmm...

edit: aiyoyo what is wrong with my blogger account! I cant space the paragraphs!

P/s: hope you already clicked and view the link before you scrolled down here cos :

I liked her voice singing it even more than the original Elaine Paige, its now on repeat on my ipod! woot woot!

Multiples

2009-05-24T21:56:00.001+08:00

XOXO

2009-05-21T23:11:00.008+08:00

ARGH... remind me again, why I'm watching downloaded episodes of teen drama and not preparing slides for Dissociative Disorders?

Anyways Episode 25 of Season 2 Gossip Girl (yes, i confess), made me think about girlfriends.

You meet them everywhere in kindie sharing porridge and tea biscuits, in sekolah rendah combining forces to wage war on the ultimate enemies: boys, in sekolah menengah taking turns to teman each other to the toilet (only god knows how its been programmed in us that we cant go alone), in college learning to balance our new found freedom and dreaming our big dreams , in university catching our stars for us when we almost lost our dreams.

Though each girl will have to carry on to do her own fabulous thing in life,

a girlfriend never gets old.

Though we get older, we forget names, we start wearing black, we lose some hair, we change,

just a simple chat with that crazy ol' woman and we are girlfriends again =)

"You are high school to me,

all of the boyfriends.. and mean girls.. and.. and tests.. and teachers..and our crazy mothers

we went through it together we raised each other

you're my Sister"

Serena Van der Woodsen.

Young sis Lily : So where's your car?

Big sis Carol : How do you think i got you outta here? (having just bailed her sister out of jail)

Young sis Lily : You sold ur car?! what are we gonna do? wanna walk?

Big sis Carol :walking in L.A? Wow sis i have SO much more to teach u. C'mon its us, we travel in style no matter how we travel.

Missing all of you!

Ps: no idea what wrong with blogspot's paragraphing, but too tired to work it out

Chronicles of a clueless girl on a bus (I)

2009-05-13T16:30:00.007+08:00

It was friday, the day after the killer packed exam Thursday where I had a triple whammy of Obstetrics EOP + Obstetrics MCQ + Paediatrics MCQ. We had just passed up our case resport, on call report and log book and rushed to pack our stuff before heading straight lined for Subang. On the way i was still in shock that I somehow survived the whole ordeal of 3 exams in 1 day, while contemplating my plans for the 1 precious holiday week ahead. Lesley and I had short discussion about me visiting Kedah during my holidays, by short i mean short, like the 10 seconds before she boarded the bus back to Sungai Petani. So after dropping Ian Zing back at her place I was still questioning if this trip would actually work, somehow i reached the petrol station in time to catch the bus ticket sales person, there and then I had to call Lesley check if my accommodation would be possible, and ohhhhh the daunting task of getting my Pa's permission. See, its not that he doesn't want me to see my sister, he has just always been very concerned about our studies and don't want me to be disrupting her study life. BUT BUT BUT.... HE SAID OKAY!

Geng geng geng geng.... Denise bought herself a two way ticket to Sungai Petani for the next morning and the deal was closed!

Couldnt really pack that night because of the fatigue brought forward from the whole obstetrics posting, exams and rushing for report date lines, I actually was drifting in and out of sleep while packing my bags. BUT BUT BUT..... I somehow got it done!

And at 10.30am the next day I was on the highway heading north!

Shucks...and even though I sound enthusiastic now, in retrospect, the bus up sucked big time. Because the original Transnational bus broke down somewhere in Pudu they had to change it to Mr.Cranky-Creeky-Wheezy bus that was at least by my estimation 30 years old! But no biggie, I got to sleep off most of my fatigue debt on the bus. Lesley told me to bring some dvds and my laptop for some entertainment on the bus, which i did, I watched "Taken" a super kan-cheong movie about women trafficking but wah liao wei right at the kan-cheong part, my laptop ran out of battery!!! stunned.... was dying to know what happened next but had to force myself to sleep after that... aih.

Sleeping was not easy, I was blessed with the seat for which no curtains were made! But oh my the paddie fields we saw after the Juru toll were BEAUTIFUL! You know how in primary school we have those line drawings of paddie fields with a singular hut or farmer, and they would draw the paddie fields as "petak-petak", but the paddie fields i saw were BEAUTIFUL! Fresh sunny green! Rolling for meters and meters! Flowing flawlessly! Super cantik lar, I took a few pics with my hand phone but am too lazy to reach for my hand phone now, so i will just use the pictures I got from Lesley before I left.

Upon reaching Sungain Petani, it began to rain what a welcome eh? But Lesley had a cab, it seems that students have a few taxi drivers whom they regularly rely upon for transportation and they can just call the uncle at any time from anywhere and he will *zoom* to the place. Even to the extent of calling the uncle to pick you from penang and drive all the way back to AIMST because you missed the last ferry! (not that that happened to us, oh noooo we were perfectly street smart girls as you will soon see)

The uncle was kind enough to drop us at Centre Square, and agreed to pick us up after we were done. The initial plan on the phone the night before (yes, she read out a WHOLE itinerary to me, damn efficient man) was to go for famous red bean ice blended near the bus stop but because it was raining we opt for plan B : lunch and Master Coo's.

On the way back the cab uncle brought us around Semeling because he wanted to show me the famous seafood, just listening to him describe it was mouth watering....

The rest of the night was spent watching movies (OMG "TAKEN" made us super paranoid, DONT TRUST ANYONE!), eating the snacks I brought from Subang, and getting acquainted with some insects.

We had to sleep early (although we didnt) because the next day was geng geng geng geng...

PENANG DAY!!!!

Another whatshallmecallit

2009-05-11T11:53:00.003+08:00

Exams are over and done with!
I freeeEEEeeee!

One of the questions during the obstetrics paper that was of much discussion:

A primigravida (meanning she has only 1 child), with a heart condition and has to be on lifelong warfarin therapy. What would be the best form of contraception for her?

A. Oral contraceptive pills (cannot, cos the hormones will mess with her heart condition)

B. Implants (i assume it was Implanon, a method of implanting a small rod beneath the dermis which releases sustained amounts of progesterone for 3 months. I think cannot la cos first of all the procedure might cause bleeding)

C. Coitus Interruptus and rhythm method ( I was going to choose this already, but common being practical here we all KNOW the human kind and its inability to take simple instructions what more control nafsu yang overflowth in the spur of the moment right)

D. Intrauterine device ( cannot, risk of bleeding, infection)

E. Vasectomy ( sounded very ganas at first, for one, the heart condition is in the wife but the innocent by stander husband yang kena kidnapped blindfolded and *snip snip* ikat. Someone was commenting "What if the marriage doenst work out, and he decides to re-marry? Then he cant have children with the other wife!" haha well, at least this procedure would encourage some degree of marital loyalty lor...secondly the family only has 1 child i assume most families would like more than 1 child, what more if (god forbid )that one child was a GIRL, THIS i added in sarcasm if you didn't already realise, because of a recent encounter i had, more explanation to follow. However, in the end I chose this answer because i felt it was very dangerous for her to be pregnant, but mainly because I didn't know which other choice to choose la actually.)

Well DING DING DING DING the answer the lecturer gave was indeed vasectomy. Ya so dont come to my gynae clinic k, your husbands wont like me cos im busy ordering people to be *snip snip tied.

Talking about the only 1 girl issue, I come from an estrogen dominating home. I'm female, my two and only siblings are females and my mother well obviously if female, my dad is surviving and thriving on his little androgen island. The point is, my parents have 3 daughters, a simple fact. Sometimes it surprises the people i meet but usually they will just make a "charlie's angels joke" or a " girls are easier to look after" (which i know is NOT true but well they are just trying to be nice so its ok), but yet again SOME people just find the phenomena of 3 daughters downright impossible and take it upon themselves to let me know how my parents have offended the natural order of the world.

XX : This is my ******'s daughters: Lesley and Denise
Pro-XY : OHH right.. So he has 2 daughters and 2 sons?
XX : Haha no lar, he has 3 daughters the other sister at home she is in form2.
Pro-XY : OHH so he has 3 daughters and 1 son?
XX : Errr no lar, they have 3 children only.
Pro-XY : OHH 3 girls only ah? no boys? eh..how come ah? *looks at me with big questioning eyes like i owed her some great explanation*

Sorry la aunty, you see ah when I was a swimming fetus in my mother's womb, i decorated it with so much Disney Princess pictures and furniture the uterus became virtually inhabitable to the male species, somehow it is scientifically proven that everytime a male fetus even LOOKS at one of the disney princess pictures i hung up on the uterus wall, he will (god forbid) DIE OHH! how OHH??

And the plot further thickened when they found out my sister was studying dentistry and me medicine in IMU.

BUT before I get carried away, I'm supposed to be on holiday remember?
Gotta perform my rightful holiday duties starting with SLEEP!
Sorry aunty, will make fun of your other untasteful comments (which were numerous) another time when I'm more pissed off, sleep deprived and hungry.

Smiley Faced

2009-05-05T23:42:00.002+08:00

I wanted SO MUCH to refrain from complaining about exams this time.

So I'm going to sleep.
G'nite exams, see you in the morning.

Yong Qi

2009-04-24T22:10:00.001+08:00

Reminders

2009-04-10T16:26:00.006+08:00